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the Second Step is not a vain hope -- it is reality.
asking for a fatal heart attack was one of the first lines in the literature that spoke to me, way back when. although i have worked the steps and found relief from active addiction, i still find myself smiling inside whenever i hear this particular line. why this is so, could be subject matter for this blog today, or perhaps not. a whole lot of things are swirling around in my head this morning. most of them examples of the current manifestation of my insanity. okay before going any further i need to add this caveat -- yes i am still insane, even after three second steps and time in recovery. HOWEVER, i am not as insane as i once was, and the nature of my insanity has altered.i no longer actively court my physical death on a daily basis. nor do i actively deny my spiritual life. i have got some relief from insanity.
so second step does work, i have been restored to sanity to a great degree, and after all sanity is quite a relative term.
so what is the nature of my insanity these days? well i have been less than kind when it comes to talking with some of my peers in recovery lately. a case in point was that i said to a member who is once again a newcomer that the day i expected my sponsor to call mew was the first day of my relapse. his reaction was less than happy at me pointing that out, and i could go on and on about what he said. what is going on in my head is a judgment about how ridiculous some things are coming out of the mouths of others. that i am being judgmental is hardly a surprise, that i am saying stuff out loud, even in private is what is the surprise to me. needless to say, my Tenth step has not been without stuff to go and own up to. i am grateful i have the means to see my part and go back and repair the damage. i am also grateful that i have yet to push my sponsor to let me move on to my Seventh step, as i am sure that this behavior is part of becoming entirely ready, and the restoration to sanity part is that i see what is happening, i feel myself getting ready to unload, i choose to unload and then i have to humbly go back and make an amends for my behavior. YARRRGH! :-(
so after a bit of noodling this topic around, i am getting entirely ready to have my defects of character removed, and this is a result of the steps preceding the Sixth step, i am tired of repeating the same behavior and expecting different results, so on to what i need to do today and let me see if i can get through today in a saner manner. after all there is progress in my life.

∞ DT ∞