α restoration to sanity ω
Posted: Tue, Nov 8, 2005 05:44:52 AM
well first off i am grateful for all of my friends who called me yesterday and asked if i was okay. the truth is that when i wrote my morning musing i was not in a very good space , but i have let go of that anger and moved on -- at least for right now.
today i get to ponder on the nature my insanity and contrast that with how i have been restored to a semblance of sanity today.
when i got to recovery, i really did not believe that i was insane. the disease of addiction had stripped away any rational thought when it came to looking at me and my behaviors and had replaced it with justifications, rationalizations and denial. after all, insane people do not go to work on a consistent basis and i did. insane people do not pay their bills and i did after a fashion. and insane people are incapable of running their own lives and i was not. even though i used against my will, even though i had collection agancies calling me incessantly, even though i used in my sleep, and even though i could not form and maintain any sort of relationships with those around me, i did not see that any of these behaviors were symptomatic of insanity, i just thought it was the state of affairs for all people.
looking back from my current perspective, i see how insane i really was, especially believing that i could do what i wanted to without any consequences and that i was in control. truthfully i was incapable of living in the "real" world and everything i did and thought was set-up to deny that reality.
am i more sane today? well i really do show-up for work on a daily basis. i am more dependable and reliable. i pay my bills and i have learned how to be a friend and a significant other. and most of all i have not used any mind-altering substances for two thousand, nine hundred, and eighty days. not that i am free from bouts of insane thinking and behaving, but they are easier to spot and correct.
and that brings me back to this morning's reading. today i am truly grateful that THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS has seen fit to provide me a manner of living that allows me to see the path to sanity. i understand about the process of restoration and i am grateful that i am a participant in that process. is it easy? HELL NO! is it simple? without a doubt! is it something i want to continue? well at least just for today!
∞ DT ∞
today i get to ponder on the nature my insanity and contrast that with how i have been restored to a semblance of sanity today.
when i got to recovery, i really did not believe that i was insane. the disease of addiction had stripped away any rational thought when it came to looking at me and my behaviors and had replaced it with justifications, rationalizations and denial. after all, insane people do not go to work on a consistent basis and i did. insane people do not pay their bills and i did after a fashion. and insane people are incapable of running their own lives and i was not. even though i used against my will, even though i had collection agancies calling me incessantly, even though i used in my sleep, and even though i could not form and maintain any sort of relationships with those around me, i did not see that any of these behaviors were symptomatic of insanity, i just thought it was the state of affairs for all people.
looking back from my current perspective, i see how insane i really was, especially believing that i could do what i wanted to without any consequences and that i was in control. truthfully i was incapable of living in the "real" world and everything i did and thought was set-up to deny that reality.
am i more sane today? well i really do show-up for work on a daily basis. i am more dependable and reliable. i pay my bills and i have learned how to be a friend and a significant other. and most of all i have not used any mind-altering substances for two thousand, nine hundred, and eighty days. not that i am free from bouts of insane thinking and behaving, but they are easier to spot and correct.
and that brings me back to this morning's reading. today i am truly grateful that THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS has seen fit to provide me a manner of living that allows me to see the path to sanity. i understand about the process of restoration and i am grateful that i am a participant in that process. is it easy? HELL NO! is it simple? without a doubt! is it something i want to continue? well at least just for today!
∞ DT ∞