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once i am free from insanity, i seem to forget how truly bizarre my thinking can be. i started down a path of judgmentalness and spite, and a quick swipe of the mouse, and i am going down a different path. it is quite easy these days to see where i fall in the whole insanity spectrum, and on some mornings it is even easier to see where others fall. quite honestly, i can also see that is insane thinking, rather than being grateful that the level of insanity i am currently engaged in, is quite minimal, i wanted to towards how terribly bad and insane i still am, and the examples of why it is perfectly alright for me to revel in that insanity based on the behavior of some of my peers with decades of clean time under their belts.
that is truly insanity, MINE, in all of its shining glory. one of the tricks i am particularly adept on pulling off, is distracting myself from what is really going on inside of me, by focusing on the behaviors of others, i tell myself that seeing their not so shining examples will give me an object lesson of what i do not want to become. that is probably true up to a point, here is where my insanity kicks in, instead of taking that particular pearl of wisdom and integrating it my life, i can and often do, sue it as a focus of attack on myself, and the fellowship in general -- after all, this particular train of thought goes, if they are still doing such and such after so many years of clean time, and i am still doing it, it must not be all that bad.
what the reading beings home for me today, is that this form of insanity is currently active in my life, evidence of my need to <GASP> work another set of steps. which in and of itself is not a bad thing.
the original premise now requires a twist, unless i realize i am acting and thinking in an insane manner, i cannot really see how insane i really am. yes i know a bit redundant and perhaps i will edit that last statement later, but what that means for me, is that the system of denial that i came to recovery with, still has pieces intact. i can deny my current state of mind with a quick set of lies, that is often called rationalizations and justifications. well this morning i see quite clearly -- i am using my critique of others not as an object lesson to help me improve, but as a distraction from what i am missing about myself. so my task today is to write out my step work to prepare for the inevitable next round of 12 steps, do a bit of service, and look at the insanity of others as a guide for how i can better behave, in a more sane manner. if by chance, i am not practicing that form of insanity, then express my gratitude that the program is working in my life, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞