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vain hope. quite an open statement, i certainly may hope to win Powerball and i just might if i keep buying tickets, but the probability of that happening is very very low and despite popular opinion, that HOPE does not increase if i buy more tickets. what the reading was referring to and what bubbled up from the depths as i sat this morning was the “promise” of the SECOND STEP: being freed from the insanity that characterized my active addiction. this where i could list all the stuff i believe today that is different than when i walked into the rooms, and how those changed beliefs affect my current set of behaviors. been there, done that and got the T-shirt. this morning i choose to veer off into another rabbit hole, to see where that takes me.
i have written lately about the shock to my system of waking up to the fact that i had been lying to myself for a very long time about being broken and living in the denial of that lie, believing i was sane and whole. all of those years of “pretending” to be something i was not, certainly created a very distorted lens to view myself through and as a result, i came to believe that i was practically worthless. if i was very little value, why would i strive to become more fit, spiritually, emotionally or physically, after all, it was all part of the “act.” i tell myself i started getting physically fit to get the money my employer was offering. i made stabs at getting spiritually fit, because my community and circle of friends were all in recovery and i did not want to be alone anymore. and according to the lie, there was nothing i could do to get emotionally fit, so in that respect i just coasted along. the process,. however, was doing its “magic” 🧙 and when the time came to reveal what was going on, i was ready to walk out into the light of reality and start to see myself in a new manner. thinner, more fit, spiritually aware and connected, and finally capable of expressing a full range of human emotions. certainly not what i signed up for two decades ago.
this morning, as i prepare to step out into dawn's early light, i can honestly say that this new view of who i am and where i want to go, is a whole lot saner than any time, ever in my life. i may still have to deal with the external denial of insanity i see all around me, but it is no longer my brand. 🤷 this morning, i am letting all of that go, accepting that i have little or no power in influencing that boatload of shite, save for l=being a living example of how a sane, rational person may actually walk through a day clean and in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞