μ to be grateful for the degree of sanity to which i have been restored, μ
Posted: Wed, Nov 8, 2006 06:54:36 AM
i need to remember just how truly insane i have been.
and my memory of that aspect of my life is notoriously bad. so how can i be grateful for the relative sanity in my current life, if i choose to forget the insanity of my past? a good question and a parallel question is that if this is a "just for today" program, why would i ever need to remember my past? after all dwelling in the past is not a good place for me! the apparent contradiction inherent in this sort of questioning is a symptom of my disease, and my current form of insanity. the part of me i call my disease likes these little tiny seemingly inconsistencies to provide it yet another weapon against my choice to not use drugs no matter what today! there really is no inconsistency between remembering my past and living in the moment. when i was using i did my chemical best to forget my past, and often was successful in blotting out hours and days of my life. trying to lose time was not exactly what i would call sane behavior. my intent was not to blot out the present but kill the feelings about whatever i had to do to feed my need to escape the reality of my past, and my certainty about what i would need to do tomorrow to obtain that same state.
numbing, forgetting, using and acquiring more. regardless of the cost to myself financially, emotionally of physically was the state of my sanity when i came to recovery. i am certainly not there anymore and i am grateful for that.
believing that i was different and that the program needed to be altered to fit me was the nature of my insanity when i was starting to walk this path. after all, i did not need some silly HIGHER POWER to stay clean, i just needed some moral character and fortitude.
thinking that i know what is best for my fellowship locally and globally is not part of my insanity, however it has led to insane behavior in the past week. having opinions is a sane act. violently opposing anyone who happens to challenge those opinions is a measure of my current form of insanity. accepting that my views and feelings may not be shared by anyone else is a restoration towards sanity, but before i can accept, i need to tolerate and that is where i am today. i can tolerate views that are contrary to mine and move on.
so what is sanity today? who knows, the day has just begun and i have yet to step out into the real world, i will see what comes.
and my memory of that aspect of my life is notoriously bad. so how can i be grateful for the relative sanity in my current life, if i choose to forget the insanity of my past? a good question and a parallel question is that if this is a "just for today" program, why would i ever need to remember my past? after all dwelling in the past is not a good place for me! the apparent contradiction inherent in this sort of questioning is a symptom of my disease, and my current form of insanity. the part of me i call my disease likes these little tiny seemingly inconsistencies to provide it yet another weapon against my choice to not use drugs no matter what today! there really is no inconsistency between remembering my past and living in the moment. when i was using i did my chemical best to forget my past, and often was successful in blotting out hours and days of my life. trying to lose time was not exactly what i would call sane behavior. my intent was not to blot out the present but kill the feelings about whatever i had to do to feed my need to escape the reality of my past, and my certainty about what i would need to do tomorrow to obtain that same state.
numbing, forgetting, using and acquiring more. regardless of the cost to myself financially, emotionally of physically was the state of my sanity when i came to recovery. i am certainly not there anymore and i am grateful for that.
believing that i was different and that the program needed to be altered to fit me was the nature of my insanity when i was starting to walk this path. after all, i did not need some silly HIGHER POWER to stay clean, i just needed some moral character and fortitude.
thinking that i know what is best for my fellowship locally and globally is not part of my insanity, however it has led to insane behavior in the past week. having opinions is a sane act. violently opposing anyone who happens to challenge those opinions is a measure of my current form of insanity. accepting that my views and feelings may not be shared by anyone else is a restoration towards sanity, but before i can accept, i need to tolerate and that is where i am today. i can tolerate views that are contrary to mine and move on.
so what is sanity today? who knows, the day has just begun and i have yet to step out into the real world, i will see what comes.
∞ DT ∞