Some memes

from the cycle of courting fatal disease, degradation, exploitation, impoverishment, imprisonment, death by violence, even death by sheer stupidity, in other words the insanity of active addiction. yes i used a litany evil to seed this reading. after being clean for a day or two, i forget what it was really like to live in active addiction. the insanity of what i did, what i exposed myself to and how i treated those around me, still can be overwhelming, and yet, as time passes by, it fades into the background noise of the insanity that has been manifest during my recovery journey.
the reading speaks of relative insanity, or better put evidence of levels of sanity being restored to my life, through the recovery process. without a starting place, it really is hard to see where i am today. a sad fact of my life, that when i was in active addiction i was incapable of seeing anything other than my own needs, and everything i did, no matter who insane they may appear today, made perfect sense and seemed as if they were rational, well-thought out decision. the problem with way back then, as well as today, is it is certainly difficult for me to see insanity when i have no sanity in my life. yes, it really is a matter of relativity, although there are very few analogues in the factual world of physics to compare it to. in my frame of reference, even as it has shifted across the course of my recovery, what once seemed sane, now appears to be totally nutz. i observe the same sort of thinking patterns when listening to my peers in recovery, and their journeys into what i now consider insanity, has yet to be revealed. for me, no matter how many times i was told that i was acting out of insanity, when i was there, i would deny, rationalize, justify and defend to the death, what i was thinking and why i was behaving in that manner. my experience has been, that it is me and me alone who can finally come to the conclusion that sanity needs to be restored to my life, even when i am thinking the most outrageous notions.
today, the notion that i was not an addict, seems so insane, i can chide myself for not seeing it until i nearly used again. eighteen months of building a case against recovery, ended up with me becoming a member. for me the notion that my character defects are actually assets and needed for me to survive in the real world, hindered my journey out of the heart of darkness and into the light of recovery. i could go on, but the fact is, when i am insane, there is generally no way for me to see that sanity or any other mode of thinking exists, as i am severely resistant to hearing what i need to hear. that is why i am grateful for a recovery process that is ongoing, even it it seems to move in fits and starts. i NEED the voice of reason that i get from my peers in the rooms as well as my sponsor and closed-mouthed friends,. what it all comes down to is a bit of the twist on the reading. it is difficult for me to see my insanity until some level of sanity is restored and even then, i can be blinded by ego, self-will and pride.today i am grateful i have a path and a journey that allows me to be more sane than yesterday, when i allow it to happen.regardless of what happens when all the votes are counted tonight, i am quite sure i have done what i could do to participate in process that is far from being “rigged” but certainly was distasteful, it is a good day to be less insane than yesterday.

∞ DT ∞