Blog entry for:

by sheer stupidity. quite an idea, but certainly a **true** fact when i was in active addiction and the examples of that notion are enough to make more than a bit grateful that i have found some sanity today. this morning, however, i was unable to settle in and sit for any length of time. my mind flitted from one topic to another and finally after 10 minutes or so, i surrendered to the fact that sitting any longer would not be productive. i mention this to illustrate a point, it was my level of sanity that led to the decision to pitch it in and get started with me day. self-will, would have had me sit there and bitch and moan about how i could not quiet my mind, all the while, peeking at the clock to see if i had accomplished my required fifteen minutes of meditation.
time to 'fess up, i was not thinking about the election results, trade with China, the insanity of gun laws or the effects of climate change, when i was obsessing this morning. all of those topics are certainly on my mind and more than worthy of an obsessive thought or three. no what i was going on about is what defense and tight end i needed to pick up in fantasy football so i could continue my streak of success into the playoffs. my success at this silly game, is now taking over the moments i cherish most, my quiet time. if that is not insane, i am clueless to just what might be. here i have an activity i pursue for fun and connect with my friends. in the long run, the $100 i paid to be a part of something for the football season, is a cheap bit of entertainment. when i was not very successful, as in every year in the past, it remained a diversion and a way to have some fun. this year, as i am having some success at this game, i am reminded of what Al Davis once said: “Just Win, Baby!” actually it was one of the guys i play with that reminded me of that particular quote, as i was giving him more than a bit of shite about our upcoming match, this weekend. most of my wins have been just getting by, with my very average team, and yet the superstar teams are beating each other up leaving the low hanging fruit for me. so my obsession, while focused on this week's week game, is how am i going to build my average and journeyman team, into a point-scoring juggernaut that hammers the competition into the ground? something that is fun, has now changed and invites me to behave and think in a manner far from sanity. and the beat goes on…
how do i relieve myself of this obsessive compulsion to win at any costs, before i do something that i will regret? well i could walk away, just play who i have, make no roster moves and allow the chips to fall as they might. yes, that would be one way to go, although i do not see that as a healthy solution either. that brings me back into the world of black and white. or i can play the game to the best of my ability, paying attention to how much of my life it consumes and when it crosses a threshold, walk away for the rest of the day. i get to have fun, pitch shite, pay attention to the news and generally participate in this activity, up to the point that it takes over my life. i am reminded of one of my peers, who was struggling to stay clean a few years ago, and how his obsession with this game, led to all sorts of insanity in his life, when he was taken out of the game, very early in the playoffs, after a very successful season. what i take away fro his example is to keep this as part of my life and do not make it all of my life.
it is easy for me to let things take control, whether that is addiction, human nature or my defective character, does not matter. sanity in this respect is recognizing that i have allowed something to consume me, then making a choice or three about what i want to do about it. maybe, just maybe, i want to see it to whatever ends and consequences may come. the fact is, once i see that i have a choice and make it, i have returned to sanity on some level. right here and right now? well it is time to shower, shave and head on down to the office. i have made my first moves in my roster and i have a few tricks up my sleeve, so on that note i will allow myself a moment of sanity, just for today.

∞ DT ∞