Blog entry for:

my insane thinking can be, is not something i really enjoy writing about, after all, it goes against my seemingly overwhelming desire to **look good.** it seems i am okay with discussing the little things my peers do, that evoke strong emotional reactions. i also seem to have no problem, running myself down, when i behave in a less than stellar way. HOWEVER, when i get to to causes and conditions for both of the actions i described above, i hesitate and consider if what i am going to write will make mew look “less than” in the eyes of my peers. BLAH-BLAH-BLAH!
the sad fact of my life these days, it is that DESIRE that seems to drive most of my insane thinking. in fact, most of what i am, is tied up in how i think others see me. well that is a bit of hyperbole, what i meant is that when i finally got clean and finally became a member, most of my identity as a person was tied up in how i thought the rest of the world saw me. false humility, based on the echoes of that ancient story line, drive the critic within and that leaks out into these little exercises of writing about what i am feeling today. when i truly consider where i am, at least on the relative scale of insanity, i can see that i am not as “insane” as i like to portray.
yesterday, i went off on some of the concepts and notions i heard my peers share the night before. i am not apologizing for that, nor am i trying use jazz hands to whisk it into the bit bucket. it seems, as i am quieter these days in the meetings i attend, that i have stronger emotional attachments to what my peers share. this is not a new state of being for me. it has, however, inflated into an issue for me, that certainly borders on insanity. sitting in a meeting these days, i have the DESIRE to respond, rather than relate. that DESIRE is extended to “sharing at someone” diminishing their standing to enhance my own. as a result, thanks to the POWER that fuels my recovery, i pause and nine times out of ten, keep my pie-hole clamped shut. then of course, there are meetings such as the one i was at last night, where it is no secret why those men were there. part of my purpose for being there is to carry a message of HOPE, so i am expected to share and i do so, with gratitude. there i could share on and on about my insanity in active addiction and they would gobble it up and ask for more. i am one of the featured performers and at times want to sweep them off their feet as i regale them with how “bad” i once was. in those meetings, when the sanity returns, i know what some of who i was is important, but my message has to focused on who i am today and like it or not, i am pretty boring these days. it is not that “boring” is bad, but there is a part of me that wants to get out, stir up some chaos and let the insanity reign for a few hours, for old time's sake. then i take a breath and realize there it is, the insanity withing, oozing its way into my life, once again.
just for today? well, just for today, i think i will trend towards the saner side of who i happen to be and be grateful that i have the ability and desire to do so.

∞ DT ∞