โ how do i remain vigilant about my recovery? by realizing that i have a permanent condition. โ
Posted: Thu, Jan 1, 2009 10:20:06 AM
no matter how long i stay clean, no matter how much better my life becomes, no matter what the extent of my spiritual healing, i am still an addict. ah the no matter what reading, or should i say one of the no matter what readings. this one is particularly apt this morning, for no reason that i can consciously put my finger on. i was not feeling particularly smug or anything about the state of my recovery and the removal of active addiction from my life. nor have i been slacking in doing the stuff to keep me clean. this just happens to be a reading that i felt i need to hear, for whatever reason.
since i am clueless as to why, i quick trip over what i am doing may help pinpoint the source of my certainty. my daily TENTH Step writing is turning into quite a bore. the set of questions i am answering on paper every night are just not very apt to my current situation. if i was the self-sponsoring type, i would have already started to adapt these questions to fit my current state of recover, but since i am willing to take direction, i will continue on the course suggested by my sponsor. that is probably the nature of what is really going on. i am answering the questions, exactly as they are written, being a step technician of sorts, following the technical aspects of this step, and leaving behind my feelings and the process as a whole. you know the letter but not the spirit. i do remember that the last time i did these questions, i felt differently, and they evoked and entirely different cascade of feelings, thoughts and actions. so for me to remain vigilant today, perhaps it is time for me to answer the questions more completely, on a level deeper than is readily apparent, at least until i talk to my sponsor and get his input.
so anyhow, it is time to jump in thew shower and get ready to take care of myself, a little bit more. yes i will ponder my course of action, yes i will be honest as to what is going on, yes i will remain open-minded to what is being told to me and most importantly i will be willing to take direction. with that in mind, reality awaits.
since i am clueless as to why, i quick trip over what i am doing may help pinpoint the source of my certainty. my daily TENTH Step writing is turning into quite a bore. the set of questions i am answering on paper every night are just not very apt to my current situation. if i was the self-sponsoring type, i would have already started to adapt these questions to fit my current state of recover, but since i am willing to take direction, i will continue on the course suggested by my sponsor. that is probably the nature of what is really going on. i am answering the questions, exactly as they are written, being a step technician of sorts, following the technical aspects of this step, and leaving behind my feelings and the process as a whole. you know the letter but not the spirit. i do remember that the last time i did these questions, i felt differently, and they evoked and entirely different cascade of feelings, thoughts and actions. so for me to remain vigilant today, perhaps it is time for me to answer the questions more completely, on a level deeper than is readily apparent, at least until i talk to my sponsor and get his input.
so anyhow, it is time to jump in thew shower and get ready to take care of myself, a little bit more. yes i will ponder my course of action, yes i will be honest as to what is going on, yes i will remain open-minded to what is being told to me and most importantly i will be willing to take direction. with that in mind, reality awaits.
∞ DT ∞