Blog entry for:

means once again coming back to the start, each time i stumble across a new year, i get a moment to pause and reflect on where i have been and where i may be going. long enough, time to move on. what i heard over the past twenty-four, is that i have been far too obsessed with myself and not allowing others to be a part of my struggles as well well as my triumphs. i minimize the issues i am dealing with as well as the parts of my life that show some serious growth, the proverbial keeping of all of my light under the bushel. that may not be changing today, instantly as it were, but it does provide a bit of direction for the year ahead. i really do find new year's resolutions to be odious and make a conscious decision to not make any promises to myself or anyone else that i cannot keep. i look at resolutions as promises to myself that i can break.
once upon a time, i looked at staying clean in a similar fashion. yes, i could do it for eighteen months or so, but for the rest of my life, no f*cking way! here is sit more than a few of those “eighteen months” later, still clean and having the desire to stay clean today. i have said it before, i am still not of those “i will stay clean the rest of my life” kind of guy, but that is looking more probable every day. i see that as a promise that i can break, BUT i see staying clean, JUST FOR TODAY, as one that is easy for me to commit to and fulfill. the clean time i have accumulated, is the result of a daily commitment and just happens to have added up to more than a two decades of clean time.
part iof that daily commitment has finally come down to letting go of my FEAR of relapse and embracing the FAITH that the program, when actively applied, will keep me clean, yet another day. in this day and age, saying i live a FAITH-based program, might be misinterpreted by my friends and peers, but i see the program of recovery that i have been given, as exactly that. IF i live that program to the best of my ability, just for today, i WILL stay clean, JUST FOR TODAY. for this addict, that is what the promise of FREEDOM from active addiction entails, living the program.
the past year has taught me more than a few lessons. first and foremost, IF i have to borrow from friends and credit cards to get a return that seems to good to be true, maybe i just need to walk away from it. secondly, that i drugs were not the only substances that i can become dependent upon and as i inch forward towards my cheat day, i have to be vigilant that i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to give me the strength to do the next right thing. finally, that fitness programs are not only good for me, but can also be harmful, if i choose to ignore the warning signs that i have pushed too far and have morphed that activity into an obsession. it is true i am chomping at the bit, to get out there and get stepping once again, and maybe a few short forays into the frosty weather will be part of this plan of the day. right here and right now i can be okay knowing that it is a new year, a new day and i can progress in my life and my recovery, JUST FOR TODAY. who knows i may do something new and different, such as go to a Tuesday meeting for the first time in a few days, no promises though, as i am do not want to set myself up for a failure.

∞ DT ∞