๐ต recapturing ๐
Posted: Mon, Jan 1, 2024 09:03:48 AM
a sense of wonder. as i sat this morning two things bubbled up from from the depths, the first being something that once upon a time my best friend would on occasion, declare that this day was: **life is a mystery day.** the second was something one of the members in that other fellowship said that they wanted to live their life in **childlike awe.** both of those statements stumped me for years and even after a minute clean, i may not have sussed out what they meant, i know what i felt as i allowed myself the freedom to stop and listen this morning.
i really do not remember ever being in awe or having a sense of wonder about much of anything before i used for the first time. i am quite sure i have, as my family was one that took vacation every year and we did live near Washington DC for eight years, but after i closed myself off from the world at five years old, i became jaded and cynical, probably the first signs that i was an addict, as nothing was ever enough. i do know that since getting clean, i felt a wonder about the world and have had the desire to go places and see things that stoke my sense of wonderment. i do not arrive at such events with a “childlike awe,” but i do leave with a sense of experiencing something that was awesome and far beyond the pale.
i may not know why i have been given this life, nor why i survived my active addiction, as the manner in which i used could have rendered me dead or worse. i may not know what my purpose is, either. what i do know is that i am grateful to have survived and as i stay clean and get better connected to those around me, i GET TO have a life that can and often does fill me with a sense of wonder and yes a bit of awe.
BTW, i did do an internet search for that friend i referenced at the top and if i choose to, i could reach out to him. when my world collapsed and i was forced into a life of abstinence, i broke off all ties with all of my friends, acquaintances and peers. i told myself it was to “protect” them, but in reality it was to protect myself. once i took my plea bargain, i could have allowed myself to drift back into their lives with little or no consequences for them, but i was more than certain that i would have used, as my near miss at eighteen months clean, demonstrated with extreme prejudice. what i feel today, as i found the ways and means to reach out to him, is a bit of confusion as to whether or not i should and a bit of fear about how he might react to being contacted after a quarter of a century of not hearing from me. this just may be one sleeping dawg i leave alone and keep thing in the status quo. just for today, i can allow myself to feel what i experience and not worry about what tomorrow, when i return to the office, may bring.
i really do not remember ever being in awe or having a sense of wonder about much of anything before i used for the first time. i am quite sure i have, as my family was one that took vacation every year and we did live near Washington DC for eight years, but after i closed myself off from the world at five years old, i became jaded and cynical, probably the first signs that i was an addict, as nothing was ever enough. i do know that since getting clean, i felt a wonder about the world and have had the desire to go places and see things that stoke my sense of wonderment. i do not arrive at such events with a “childlike awe,” but i do leave with a sense of experiencing something that was awesome and far beyond the pale.
i may not know why i have been given this life, nor why i survived my active addiction, as the manner in which i used could have rendered me dead or worse. i may not know what my purpose is, either. what i do know is that i am grateful to have survived and as i stay clean and get better connected to those around me, i GET TO have a life that can and often does fill me with a sense of wonder and yes a bit of awe.
BTW, i did do an internet search for that friend i referenced at the top and if i choose to, i could reach out to him. when my world collapsed and i was forced into a life of abstinence, i broke off all ties with all of my friends, acquaintances and peers. i told myself it was to “protect” them, but in reality it was to protect myself. once i took my plea bargain, i could have allowed myself to drift back into their lives with little or no consequences for them, but i was more than certain that i would have used, as my near miss at eighteen months clean, demonstrated with extreme prejudice. what i feel today, as i found the ways and means to reach out to him, is a bit of confusion as to whether or not i should and a bit of fear about how he might react to being contacted after a quarter of a century of not hearing from me. this just may be one sleeping dawg i leave alone and keep thing in the status quo. just for today, i can allow myself to feel what i experience and not worry about what tomorrow, when i return to the office, may bring.
∞ DT ∞