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what i have, only with vigilance. that is one of those lines form our recovery literature that sometimes rubs me the wrong way. when i think of vigilance, i think of a well-armed soldier, in full body armor, seeking out the slightest sign of trouble. after a minute clean, it just seems a bit over done. i have learned how to “live” a program of recovery and fort the most party do just that, day after day. i have learned not to be defensive and butt-hurt when someone gives me an unasked for piece of advice, nor do i run around complaining about how mean others are to me. i tired of being the victim a long, long time ago. so i guess i am somewhere between hero and victim these days, and that, at least for me, is a comfortable place to be.
so much time has passed between when i sat and when i started converting my thoughts and feelings into bits and bytes, that i am not quite sure what i “heard” this morning. based on the first paragraph, it must have been walking the line between being a victim and being responsible for the world, and zealously guarding my recovery. i have all kinds of experience in all of those roles, and never understood, why some of my peers, never move beyond living in FEAR of relapse, even after decades clean. yes i know, i have seen others go out with decades clean, more than one of them i wondered about. the fact is, relapse does happen, even to those with “substantial” clean time. i know that by living a program, i can expect to stay clean today. my vigilance need not extend beyond my waking moments, which today will not include a trip down the aisle in King Soopers, nor browsing the wares of my local dispensary. anyhow, time for more training as i really, really would like to keep my job.

∞ DT ∞