ฮฑ no matter how long i have been clean, ฯ
Posted: Tue, Jan 1, 2008 10:09:07 AM
no matter how much better my life has become, no matter what the extent of my spiritual healing, i am still an addict. My disease waits patiently, ready to spring the trap if i give it the opportunity. the price of recovery for me, seems to be vigilance, and as the the reading suggests a momentary lapse of reason does not necessarily mean that i will use. HOWEVER, that does not give me license to coast in my recovery. yes, my life is busy these days, and yes i am quite a bit different than when i walked into the rooms. none of that guarantees me freedom from active addiction, all of that just means that i have the chance to stay clean today, IF i remain active in fostering my recovery.
i used to see this reading as a reason to be afraid, i found very little hope in it. it seemed to say to me, that i could and would relapse if i gave my disease the slightest chance to take control once again. this morning i do not FEAR my disease, nor do i HATE my disease, i find that i am coming to tolerate and accept its omnipresence. so i can HOPE that with just a little effort, i will stay clean today and beyond. the price i pay for my recovery is just a bit of vigilance, watching for the signs of creeping complacency and activation of the disease of addiction.
do not get me wrong, i have not just my opinion about the disease of addiction, it is not some alien waiting to pounce, nor is it a separate part of me, IT IS ME, plain and simple. just like my GERD is part of me, just like my seasonally affected depression is part of me. the part of me i call my disease is just that, part of me. it uses my intellect and my character defects against me, and the struggle between recovery and addiction is ongoing. that battle may not be as loud, nor as poignant as when i walked into the rooms, but is ongoing nevertheless. so happy new yaer all, and off to do what i paid to do -- no rest this morning for this addict, after all responsibility is a spiritual principle.
i used to see this reading as a reason to be afraid, i found very little hope in it. it seemed to say to me, that i could and would relapse if i gave my disease the slightest chance to take control once again. this morning i do not FEAR my disease, nor do i HATE my disease, i find that i am coming to tolerate and accept its omnipresence. so i can HOPE that with just a little effort, i will stay clean today and beyond. the price i pay for my recovery is just a bit of vigilance, watching for the signs of creeping complacency and activation of the disease of addiction.
do not get me wrong, i have not just my opinion about the disease of addiction, it is not some alien waiting to pounce, nor is it a separate part of me, IT IS ME, plain and simple. just like my GERD is part of me, just like my seasonally affected depression is part of me. the part of me i call my disease is just that, part of me. it uses my intellect and my character defects against me, and the struggle between recovery and addiction is ongoing. that battle may not be as loud, nor as poignant as when i walked into the rooms, but is ongoing nevertheless. so happy new yaer all, and off to do what i paid to do -- no rest this morning for this addict, after all responsibility is a spiritual principle.
∞ DT ∞