โ i will be vigilant, doing everything necessary to guard my recovery โ
Posted: Sun, Jan 1, 2012 09:47:03 AM
well i certainly wish everyone a prosperous and happy new year, 2011 is now in the books and i part of my large store of experience, and 2012 has barely started. it would be nice to say, i have nothing left from the end of the year messes i created, however that is not true. what is true is that i have the DESIRE today to eliminate them as quickly as possible. i have today and a half day tomorrow to clean-up, catch-up and move forward with a clean desktop and will be doing my best to get it done.
one of those messes is the FOURTH STEP that i have been finding the ways and means to distract myself from writing. i COULD say that today i will write it out, but i know i would be lying to you and most importantly myself. pretending that something will happen, is not all that much different that working a program by “ass-mosis”, expecting the magic of everyone else's program to just rub off on me. i have made steps back to the vigilant mode. the first was declaring myself a member of a home group. this past few months, where i have been looking for just the right one is part of that self-deception that i honed so well back in active addiction. making that declaration out loud is not that big of thang for for those who heard it, BUT for me, it means that now in order to practice integrity i NEED to step up and do service and own my home group, as i let it own me,. it means i have to show up and be present on regular and consistent manner. most importantly it means i am now once again accountable to the fellowship that has given me this way of living.
the irony is, that this is part of that vigilance, as my first sponsor once told me, that one of the three questions i should ALWAYS be able to answer, is what is my home group. now i can honestly answer all three!
the line in the reading about fearing some sort of major catastrophe, if i let my vigilance slip in the slightest, really resonated with me. that is the line i use over and over again to justify letting my program slide bit by bit. after all, it is true, that i have some time, my life is not the mess it was and i am well on my journey to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. what i have is a bit of grace, and that grace can quickly be consumed leaving me with little buffer against the storms that life brings. right here and right now? well finish the dishes and my laundry, hit the store, get some work done, prepare for the week ahead, watch the Broncos finish their regular season and get to a meeting. plenty to do and i have time enough to do it all, after all it is a great day to be clean.
so off to the showers i go and into the day i have planned, i will allow a POWER GREATER than me, to determine the outcome.
one of those messes is the FOURTH STEP that i have been finding the ways and means to distract myself from writing. i COULD say that today i will write it out, but i know i would be lying to you and most importantly myself. pretending that something will happen, is not all that much different that working a program by “ass-mosis”, expecting the magic of everyone else's program to just rub off on me. i have made steps back to the vigilant mode. the first was declaring myself a member of a home group. this past few months, where i have been looking for just the right one is part of that self-deception that i honed so well back in active addiction. making that declaration out loud is not that big of thang for for those who heard it, BUT for me, it means that now in order to practice integrity i NEED to step up and do service and own my home group, as i let it own me,. it means i have to show up and be present on regular and consistent manner. most importantly it means i am now once again accountable to the fellowship that has given me this way of living.
the irony is, that this is part of that vigilance, as my first sponsor once told me, that one of the three questions i should ALWAYS be able to answer, is what is my home group. now i can honestly answer all three!
the line in the reading about fearing some sort of major catastrophe, if i let my vigilance slip in the slightest, really resonated with me. that is the line i use over and over again to justify letting my program slide bit by bit. after all, it is true, that i have some time, my life is not the mess it was and i am well on my journey to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. what i have is a bit of grace, and that grace can quickly be consumed leaving me with little buffer against the storms that life brings. right here and right now? well finish the dishes and my laundry, hit the store, get some work done, prepare for the week ahead, watch the Broncos finish their regular season and get to a meeting. plenty to do and i have time enough to do it all, after all it is a great day to be clean.
so off to the showers i go and into the day i have planned, i will allow a POWER GREATER than me, to determine the outcome.
∞ DT ∞