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there are days when this sounds to me as if the bogey man of untreated addiction is waiting around the corner to jump me the second i drop any one tiny aspect of the recovery program i choose to live. there are days when i believe i am good, i am, secure in my program, have no desire to use and perhaps i can take a brief break from my recovery without any serious side-effects. i am not one of those, who looks as addiction as a separate entity or and outside influence, for me addiction is just part of me. removing addiction form who and what i am is probably more difficult than physically changing the color of my eyes. sure, i can colored contact lenses and make them appear to be any color i want them to be, but the reality is, i have grey eyes, and more than likely will always have grey eyes. guess what i am saying here. i am saying that more than likely i was born an addict and i will die an addict. that is the facts as i see them, so i have choices that flow from that realization, i can live a life in active addiction, using everything and everyone around me. i can live a life in abstinence, not using substances, but using and doing everything else to make me feel like i want to feel. OR i can live a life in active recovery, following the program as it was passed down to me, by my predecessors. for an addict like me, those are my only three choices, and number two and three are not mutually exclusive, as i can drift back and forth form mere abstinence to living a program.
so, i went to an event last night, and of course people talk. they talk about themselves. they talk about their families and they talk about their friends and peers. it is what it is, just talk. the nice part is when i get spoken to about someone, it is almost always out of concern, rather than malice. i certainly got an earful last night, and i get it. the unfortunate part is that i too, thought i was seeing some of the signs and have grown increasingly concerned myself. i have some time clean and a bit of recovery under my belt. as such i have the freedom to allow my friends, peers and acquaintances, to do what they are going to do. i voice my concerns, ask them for the honest truth and take their answers at face value, until i actually catch them in a lie. as the literature says: “the ONLY thing that will defeat us in our recovery is an indifference or intolerance towards spiritual principles. three of these that are INDISPENSABLE are: HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS AND WILLINGNESS. with these we are well on our way.”
nowhere does it say that i can rescue someone who has already grown intolerant or indifferent to spiritual principles. i know that in active addiction i led a secret life, in fact part of the thrill was that i thought i was getting away with shit. thew first six months after i arrived at the rooms was similar. as long as i kept skating around my bodily fluid checks and could use every month, i was quiet content on two levels. i got to use, and almost as important, i was getting away with it, in the rooms, in my treatment program and in eyes of the law. those six or seven months, when i was not incarcerated were some of the best times of my life, because this addict loves the thrill of lying, cheating and stealing, and getting away with it. it has been that way since before i ever used and i do not imagine it will change anytime soon. it is the thrill of looking like something i am not, that fills me from time to time, with glee.
so back to what i heard last night. there really is no action for me to take. either my peer is using or they are not. either they want to re-enter the fold, or they want to remain a lone wolf. that choice is theirs, and until they grow less indifferent or intolerant of this program, they are beyond my reach. as this day goes by, i am quite certain i will hear and see more. i need not build a case against anyone, because even though i am apt to judge someone, it is not something i share with others. i can be open-minded and honest, in nthe here and now, and when the facts dictate, make any alterations to my opinions, that need to be made, after all, unlike the color of my eyes, i can change my mind.

∞ DT ∞