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those walls started falling when i started finding acceptance from others. from there, i begin to learn the important principle of self-acceptance. as i go further down the line into the self-acceptance gig, i find less and less i need the acceptance of others to allow me to accept myself. there are however, a few caveats for that statement. intellectually that is certainly true, it seems that from certain people i still desire, well a better word might be crave, acceptance and attention. if i do not get it by toeing their party line, regardless of how i feel about that party line, then i become a force to be reckoned with, making their interactions with me as unpleasant as i possibly can. so i swing from people pleasing to people stomping in these cases, and after i sit back and look at my behaviors in my daily inventory, i think that i do know better than that. i have only started nibbling around the edges of this, so i am certain, that as i move forward with my day, and over the course of the next couple of days i will certainly uncover more about this particular set of behaviors.
why the certainty? well for one, i am at the end of the canned TENTH STEP assignment. i have written it 28 days in a row, and in two more nights i will get to move into an assignment i will give myself. taking what is available and creating an inventory that fits me, instead of trying to fit myself to the inventory that is already there. not that i am some sort of special case, nor do i think i am better than everyone else, honestly just phoning in this assignment has opened up a few new doors that require some further exploration, among them, my dichotomy about self-acceptance. this is certainly an interesting path that needs to be explored, and one that is hardly new to me, but has been recurring lately all over the place. it amazes me, that as i just let something go, it pops back up in my life in yet another form. if i was one to believe in cosmic jokes or tests this would certainly be evidence of those. what i do think, is that all of this is a chance to really grow through and extend this journey of ‘uncovery’ along this path. i see it as evidence of the will of a HIGHER POWER, that the time has come to finish the work with this issue that needs to be done, and that is what i think i will do. so it is off to hit the streets and get going with my day. it certainly is a good day to recover, and my inner landscape is about to become a whole lot less cluttered.

∞ DT ∞