Blog entry for:

i never belonged, even in the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. mos of the time, today included, this is not n issue for me, i accept myself for who i am and allow my **true** self to be seen. not necessarily ALL of my true self but enough of that person, so others have the ability to get to know me. yes, there are still a few nooks and crannies i keep on the down-low, i may not be unique or different in that behavior either in the rooms of recovery or life in general, but i do accept that they exist and part of the “whole” package.
coming back to what i felt this morning, as i sat and listened to my heart beat, i felt a bit uneasy about where my finances seem to be heading, as i have been a bit of a spendthrift lately, instead of focusing on what needs to be paid, and how i am going to correct the consequences of my self-will. a huge part of me, wants to get a quick fix and move on, pretending that my little adventure in Mexican time share resales did not happen. being taken as i was, does not “fit” my image, the one i want to portray to others or the one i want to accept of myself. the fact is, as smart, shrewd and savvy i may think i am, i got hammered by professional con-men and the result is now the FBI is calling me, trying to get more details about how i got taken and what i was thinking. their motive is to get those dirty rotten scoundrels and any information i can give, may aid in this version of crime and punishment.
i do, however, go down rabbit hole or two when i consider this issue. right now, i feel “okay” about myself and do not need any outside source of affirmation, validation or acceptance. it does pain me when i here my peers speaking of the acceptance they gain, bu serving the fellowship and when they see “positive” results of carrying a message. i do remember that for me, it was the same, in fact serving the fellowship and getting all that praise and validation from my peers, drove my service to my fellowship to take over my life. stepping back from the spotlight was one of the most difficult things i ever did in my recovery, right up there with getting clean and coming to have the desire to stay clean. today, i serve and am grateful that i have had the opportunity to become a more whole, genuine and yes self-assured version of myself. that roadmap has provided me the means to accept myself as i am, and hope that if i continue to do what i have done, i will fit that vision of the person i desire to be, a little bit better when i go to sleep tonight.

∞ DT ∞