∫ the walls of isolation, that i built in active addiction ∫
Posted: Tue, Feb 9, 2010 09:18:23 AM
begin to fall when i start finding acceptance from other recovering addicts. the reading goes on to say, that as i emerge from those walls, and start to feel that acceptance, i can start to accept myself. i have discovered, that is a true fact. i have also discovered that as i accept myself, more and more, the less i crave acceptance of others and the less my self-esteem is based on their approval of who and what i am.
i can see the trap that the addict part of me, can be setting here, and it is a particularly nasty one. as i learn to accept myself, as i feel more confident in who i am and the path i am taking, as i grow less dependent on the approval of others, i could start to believe i am self-sufficient and not dependent at all, on those who have allowed me to become who i am today. after all, that was part of what kept me sick, now that i am better it is time to step out from there and move forward with my life. while that argument sounds slick, and i could quite easily convince myself of the merits of that line of reasoning, i see the fatal flaw. it is only because i let those others in, that i GET to learn HOW to accept myself exactly as i am today. that process ceases when i pull back into the shell that was my life in active addiction, which is exactly what that part of myself desires more than anything else, my return to the life of an active and using addict.
this morning, i am grateful, for having people in my life who care for me, and accept me just as i am today, whether that happens to be fVcked-up crazy, or rationally sane beyond belief. trust me, depending on the slice of time, you catch me in, it can be either or. most of the time it is somewhere in between, as is the case of most every other human being that happens to be walking around this spheroid of rock and dirt. allowing that to permeate through the layers of my consciousness is something i think i will do, as i sign-off and hit the showers.
even though it is cold, and slick out, even though it is a planned rest day from my work-out cycle, even though i want to have more of everything, i am grateful for the time i have today, to allow myself to be more than i was yesterday. it is after all, just another good day to recover.
i can see the trap that the addict part of me, can be setting here, and it is a particularly nasty one. as i learn to accept myself, as i feel more confident in who i am and the path i am taking, as i grow less dependent on the approval of others, i could start to believe i am self-sufficient and not dependent at all, on those who have allowed me to become who i am today. after all, that was part of what kept me sick, now that i am better it is time to step out from there and move forward with my life. while that argument sounds slick, and i could quite easily convince myself of the merits of that line of reasoning, i see the fatal flaw. it is only because i let those others in, that i GET to learn HOW to accept myself exactly as i am today. that process ceases when i pull back into the shell that was my life in active addiction, which is exactly what that part of myself desires more than anything else, my return to the life of an active and using addict.
this morning, i am grateful, for having people in my life who care for me, and accept me just as i am today, whether that happens to be fVcked-up crazy, or rationally sane beyond belief. trust me, depending on the slice of time, you catch me in, it can be either or. most of the time it is somewhere in between, as is the case of most every other human being that happens to be walking around this spheroid of rock and dirt. allowing that to permeate through the layers of my consciousness is something i think i will do, as i sign-off and hit the showers.
even though it is cold, and slick out, even though it is a planned rest day from my work-out cycle, even though i want to have more of everything, i am grateful for the time i have today, to allow myself to be more than i was yesterday. it is after all, just another good day to recover.
∞ DT ∞