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into my life, is not something i am skilled at, and just as the old joke goes, if i want to get to **Carnegie Hall,** i have to practice. yesterday, i whine about the shame and the embarrassment i felt NEEDING to talk to my sponsor, even though i have barely reached out to him in the past six months. he was kind and loving and it was good conversation full of catching up with what has happened. most of all, he reminded me that no matter how ill-equipped i felt about the situation in our household, that more than likely i do have the skills at least in a recovery sense and a living sense to handle what is going on. i may feel my plate is full, but he is quiet certain i am about to get a bigger plate. man oh man, what i thought i wanted was solutions and what i got was support and in the long run, that is what i really wanted. there is certainly an unpleasant conversation coming down the pike between all the current members of our household, but just for today, i can defer that little chat and allow events to unfold as they will.
i came to recovery, socially-retarded and closed off to the people with whom i shared my life. the latter was by design, if no one gets in, no one can hurt me and EVERYONE was out to hurt me. the former was enhanced by my attitude of being closed off and quite safe. i was willing to give away relationships, caring and yes love, for the illusion of safety and i did, for decades on end. coming to recovery, and actually seeing that those who were here, wanted me to stay here and become a part of their fellowship was quite a shock to my system. here i sit a several thousand days later, feeling grateful that allowed my sponse in last night.
one of the notions he spoke of was becoming more invested in an outcome than the “other guy.” i know for a fact that i have done this in the past, with some of the men i sponsored, with co-workers and even with my loved ones. finding that spot, where i slide across the line into being overly invested, is going to be something i am vigilant about and i have already determined what i will not do. setting those boundaries in my head and speaking them out loud, is where i often get tripped up, after all, EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW WHAT IS APPROPRIATE when dealing with this nut-ball. i need to start talking about what i think is okay and what is not and do so in a loving, kind and caring manner. so far those double-secret boundaries have not been crossed, so just for today, i can defer that conversation. just for tomorrow, <spoiler alert> the dolphins will frolic again. 🤣

∞ DT ∞