Blog entry for:

of defiance marked all my waking moments, in active addiction, in my periods of brief abstinence before i got clean, and for quite a bit of time in my early recovery, i was quite the recovery rebel without a clue and it nearly killed me. i was more than certain that this whole recover gig was a sham, and there are days i think i may be just faking it. when someone asks me how much clean time i have, i cannot believe the answer that comes out of my mouth, there is absolutely NO WAY someone like me, could stay clean for as long as i have, and one has to wonder what it was that changed along the path.
the reading speaks of alienation and isolation and the root cause being lack of self-acceptance, and i do not want to argue or belabor that point. for me, those feelings started happening very early in life and active addiction “cured” me of those feelings, at least to start with, that did not last, but that sad tale of woe, was just part of what active addiction did to me. i have written about what i thought of myself when i got clean and i was so delusional that even though i lived in the world of “what-if” i thought i knew and accepted myself, just as i was. as i stayed clean and learned that a relationship with myself was not about what i was not, i came to feel and believe that maybe this recovery gig is worth the effort. as i grew to see myself as i was and as i am, i could begin to catch a glimpse of who i could become and that person is more than the man who walked into the rooms a few days ago.
moving along to a bit of a tangent here, this morning, i as i struggled to sit and just be still, a recurring theme kept popping up, specifically about the “dream” of recovery and the notion that this recovery life is a sham that shatter into a thousand little pieces at any time. that rebel that once ruled my life, still tells me a story or two, especially in the quietest moments.i have a life today, i have recovery today and i have the desire to stay clean today. those gifts, are far from the tenuous thread that story relates. that “rebel” tells me that i have been clean long enough to try something different, regardless of the fact that my life revolves around my recovery. when i CHOOSE to live a life based on the principles of recovery i GET to have an evidence-based rebuttal to that web of reality TV plots and story-lines. i can play the fool, create chaos, gossip and character assassinate with the best of them. i now see that all of that are symptoms of a lack of appreciation for who i am today and accepting that person, exactly as he is. the reading this morning reminds me, that i am a work in progress, and that progress is based on spiritual principles that i once believed were for chumps and the weak and feeble. i still have a way to go, and today i choose to walk that path instead of the infinite alternatives available to me. i am good enough today,m and i am certainly worth it. just for today, i can let go of who i was and embrace the person i am, right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞