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responsibility are not two words i often put together. the reading seemed to suggest that i determine a purpose to what i am a part of, before i take responsibility. that may be quite true and i understand that the primary purpose of my home group and all the other groups that comprise the fellowship that i am a part of, is to carry the message to the still suffering addict. my responsibility, there for, is to show up, be supportive and freely give my E.xperince, S.trength and H.ope. what about when i am the still suffering addict because of the twists and turns life has thrown at me? what i have been told and what i have come to believe is in that case to honestly and openly share what is going on and how it is affecting me, physically, emotionally and spiritually. for many of my peers, that is a bit disconcerting, especially when it comes from someone such as myself that has thousands of days clean and is living a program of recovery, just for today. the fact of the matter is, that i am still an addict PERIOD! on top of that i am still a human being. the days of me pretending to be what i am not, are over. i may still be lacking a clue or three about what i am, but perpetrating a fraud to look good in the eyes of my peers, is no longer a play i pull out of my bag of tricks.
moving the topic over to the rest of my life, one of the purposes i have today, is to deal with the stuff my Mom left behind and make sure i get the most out of what is left, to give to my siblings. i have been a bit slack in living up to my responsibilities in this matter, choosing to wait until i get permission from the courts to move forward, when i have more than enough stuff to do, before that letter does arrive. part of that is working out of denial and the other part is trying to keep my feelings in check. today, as painful as it may be, i have to turn myself around and start moving forward as life outside of my little bubble continues to progress and i need to deal with it. there is a purpose and a responsibility there, that has not gone away, just because i chose to ignore it, for a minute anyhow. that too, is a behavior i can pull out of my bag of tricks and just like before, the consequences are the same, all of a sudden i will be way behind and need to scramble to catch-up. my choice is that today, i will do the next right thing and move forward with what needs to be done, in baby steps anyhow.
now is the time to take care of my physical self and do my physical therapy exercises. my body is healing and readjusting to life at 5000 feet above sea level once again. i am starting to get back into the swing of things at work and enjoying a life that is certainly worth living. it may be true there are some things i need to deal with as the days go by, and i can do so. i may not exactly know what my purpose is, but i do know that i have a responsibility to care for myself by staying clean and living a program of active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞