Blog entry for:

to take part in my life., because today i accept myself as i am, and do not worry about what others may or may not think. well, there has to be a very strong caveat there -- MOST OF THE TIME --. one of my least attractive and to me, most annoying, shortcoming, is my desire to seek approval from others by saying and behaving the way i think others want me to. i know that i feel “good” when others approve of me, that is just human nature. seeking out such approval, is what addiction has taken this perfectly human attribute and warped it into, at least for me. i want everyone around me to believe that i am really much, much better than i really am. i want them to see me as some sort of evolved human being, wise beyond his years and capable of providing a spiritual answer to anything at all, all day, every day. inside, there are times that i feel just as i did the day i walked into the rooms, a petty criminal, loner loser, who could not even manage to keep his a$$ out of jail for any length of time. i feel like a liar,. a fraud and that all of this is about to come to end, because someone like me, an addict, cannot possibly live life on its own terms and expect to stay clean, grow into something i am not and form the kind of relationships i see the other 85% forming. yes, what i was, is still part of the story i tell myself from time to time, ignoring how far i have come, because after, i have seen enough other members drift away and live lives that do not include recovery, including a few who purport to be a part of this fellowship.
the truth of course, lies somewhere in between, i have evolved and i am no longer a petty criminal. when i can accept myself, and that happens most of the time these days, i interact with the world in a manner that is often foreign and a bit weird for me. i apparently slept through those classes that taught the ot6ther v85% that they were okay exactly they were in that moment and if they wanted to be more, all they had to do was try. i know =even that other 85% is far from being self-accepting all the time, but they hit that mark more often than i once did, although i wonder whether or POTUS is really a member of that 85%, his denial of the reality of what is happening around makes me wonder if he is not dipping into the very stuff that once kept me from going crazy.
so am i being humble when i temper statements of self-acceptance by caveats? i would say yes i am, that is the real picture of what is going on in my life. i also can see that when i accept myself as i am, i get to allow others, partners, friends, peers, acquaintances and co-workers, be a part of my life as well. today i need not walk in FEAR of who may uncover the sordid truth about what i am, i accept that without reservations. today i can be okay knowing that if i did what i did yesterday, chances are i will get to do it again tomorrow. i may not have SUPREME recover and walk around in a state of divine bliss, but i can sit and listen for the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery with my heart and not my head. today, i get the feeling it is time to pack this in and head on down to work.
BTW: i can still tell you at least three things i heard at the meeting last night, just in case you were actually paying attention to what i shared.

∞ DT ∞