Blog entry for:

**you do not need me? well, I do not need any of you, either.**
there are days that i wonder if i am becoming less socially inept at all. i get that active addiction, took my social ineptness to new heights. after all, if anyone, and i mean anyone, got a clue about how i really felt, i was doomed to being lonely. loneliness, was the price i paid for keeping anyone from seeing what i really was, and protected me from getting hurt. the whole i am a rock gig, protected me from seeing how awful and what a piece of crap i was, and as the despair of isolation wore on, i became more accustomed to it and at times welcomed it. i could use, by myself, and be okay, or at least that is what i told myself. over the past few days, i am seeing more and more, that despite everything, i am starting to become someone who can be part of the party and not a wall fixture. the hole that i often feel, that some may call “GOD-shaped𔄤 is being filled. as i begin what feels like the next phase of my recovery, more and more i feel accepted and as the reading suggests, i am certain it is a function of how much i accept myself.
the accumulation of evidence, especially from my peers in and out of recovery, is piling up. yesterday the refrain i heard from others was a near total obsession with the social aspect of life, one spurned it as they spun down deeper in active addiction. one was angry that they had no power over a process they initiated and rationalized their part away by saying stuff such as, “ i never said that.” finally, i experienced the anger and frustration of one my peers at their lack of inclusion in the social aspects of the lives of others. i understand all of those feelings and although i may think i know what is going on, all i can do is relate what i felt when i went through those various phases of my recovery.
losing a job because i could not fit in, be present and do what i was expected to do, felt like sh!t. the anger and resentment i felt was misplaced to the institution that fired me. in hindsight, i can now see, that in active addiction, poor job performance was the least of the problems i faced there. i was endangering the lives of others through my callous disregard and sheer laziness. i was lucky that nothing untoward happened before i was fired and it certainly was part of the process that brought me to recovery.
lacking the power, to influence an outcome of events that i set in progress,i feel disrespected and angry and more than anything else, full of regret. yes i am a victim, or at least feel that way, even though it was by my own hand that events transpired the way they did.
finally, needing to find a new social network, i expected to be instantly included in everything that everyone did, was was butt-hurt, when the invitations did not just flow in and my social calendar was not full. my reaction? just like the quote i started this exercise with, fVck you all, all i need is this…!
none of that is part of how i feel today. as i grew to accept myself, i grew to allow myself the freedom to become who i wanted to be. for me, that meant, learning how to be social inside and outside of the fellowship that provides the means to be the man i am becoming. ironically, the more okay i became with myself and being alone, thew more i was invited to be a part of the lives around me. yes, i got socially connected by learning who i was and glimpsing for the first time, who i could become.
today??? well i should do a bit of work, i certainly need some time off and i will need a meeting and some time being a part of this fellowship, and who knows, maybe, just maybe i may get invited to be a part of something more, as well.

∞ DT ∞