Blog entry for:

this is still something that i have an issue or two with even today. well actually, especially recently. the reality of moving my current romantic relationship to the next level, cohabiting, has activated a whole bunch of stuff. and of course i cannot allow anyone to see what is really going on. after all, no one thinks like i do, and if anyone caught a whiff of what was really going on me, everything would fall apart. so i find myself not trusting anyone right now with the dark crap that the part of me i call my disease is throwing up. so instead i throw up a wall to keep all of you out of my life including the woman i love and secretly obsess about doing some things to sabotage my happiness. i want her to run screaming from my life, pulling out her hair and thus fulfill the prophecy that i am to broken to from long-term relationships. and if i am to broken to carry out my commitments than what is the point of working a program. and if i do not work a program how am i going to deal with the pain of her leaving. and if i do not have a way to deal with the pain, what is the point of being abstinent, i might as well use, after all it has been quite a while since my last use, maybe i am not an addict at all.
what it all actually comes down to, is not that i am beyond repair, but i do not believe that i am worthy of happiness in love and that i might as well do what i can to cut my losses and run. self-worth comes from self-acceptence, and what this is all about is that i am feeling unacceptable to myself these days. i do not fit into the normal world, nor do i fit into the world of recovery, the only place i ever fit was the life of active addiction.
as i write these words i am coming to see how the part of myself i call my disease is working. the actual truth is that i am both capable and worthy of happiness, and Kathy makes me happy. the path of recovery i share with others is actually where i do fit in. and my obsessions and behaviors are merely the most recent manifestation of the disease of addiction, insidious, fatal and omnipresent. i can ignore this little road bump and hopes it goes away or i can let someone in on what is happening in my head and get a suggestion or two.
you know, i am worth doing what it takes to become more than i ever was today!

∞ DT ∞