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unconditionally, probably for the first time, the catch here is the unconditional part. as hard as i try, to live up to this spiritual principle, there always seems to be a condition or two on my acceptance of others into my life. “if only” and “yeah but”, seem to preface any thought i have about accepting others. whether or not this is a symptom of addiction or just an expression of the human part of me, is irrelevant. what is relevant is how i strive to move towards this ideal. there are of course two ways to look at such ideal states. i can use my failure to achieve that state as evidence that i am actually not growing and changing. that path, is the addict within, grasping at straws to get me to return to the state of chemical bliss i once enjoyed and that was so prevalent in my life. using that stick, it is quite easy to see why people with clean-time relapse. days and days clean, do not by themselves amount to much, save days clean. it is what i do with those days that allows me the freedom to be aware of the lie. namely, that i am not growing. honestly, if i REALLY consider the question, the fact is, that when i was in active addiction, this sort of question would have never occurred to me. in other words, just being to ask whether or not i am accepting others into my life without conditions, is evidence of the growth process. when i was in active addiction unconditionally accepting anything, except getting my next fix, was beyond my capabilities or desires.
there are lots of little sand-traps like this in the course of my recovery. i often wonder, if i will ever get any better, than i stop and realize that getting better is a relative term. much like insanity, unmanageable and powerless. which brings me back to something that has been rolling around in my head since last night. it seems that there is a trend for newcomers to state how proud they are about their growth, or the fact that they have 30 days clean. this has been around forever, and why it is bugged me last night is something that i need to explore. i have a feeling it runs counter to the party line indoctrination that i got when i was a newcomer. taking pride in accomplishing 30 days clean, or even in not behaving badly, was a deadly sin, because when i did so, i was diminishing the influence of the program and exaggerating my own self-will. i can still hear that same counter when words like “i have a few days clean” roll out of my mouth, when i share. there is a bias that was ingrained in me, to diminish my efforts, and to put all the credit on outside forces namely the program and the POWER that fuels my recovery. learning to live outside that bias, somehow feels wrong, and as a result, what i think is humility is actually just the same expression of self-will run riot. knowing that the bias exists, and doing something about it are two different things, although like asking the question about the unconditionality of my acceptance, it does show me that there is room for growth as i can now start moving towards the solution, having seen my problem.
which brings me back to the top. learning to accept myself without conditions, so that i can accept others unconditionally. as i have been taught humility is not diminishing my worth but accepting who i am and doing my best to live as that person. my path lies between those extremes and just as i learned that i cannot do this alone, i will also learn that those who MUST share their pride over their accomplishments are just like me, just expressing their own diminished sense of self.
anyhow, my chores do beckon so i will sign-off by saying that today is a good day for me to let go and let someone into my life unconditionally.

∞ DT ∞