Blog entry for:

the further my addiction progressed, the higher the walls i built around myself.
the most ironic part of this reading today, is that as i progress in my recovery and as i get further and further away from my last use, and no Virginia they are not the same thing, i find that the walls i had built up in active addiction thinning, BUT, i can build entirely new and different ones. as i learn to integrate my new life into my life as part of the fellowship that has given me this new life (WHEW), i find more and more ways to separate myself from the pack. all of a sudden i am not comfortable anymore when socializing with the FNG (f*ck*ng new guy). i find myself drawing away from the after-meeting meetings that are part and parcel of the groups. i find myself longing and seeking the ways and means to become part of the "normal" social scene. once again i feel like a kid ., looking into some upscale bakery windows, salivating as i gaze at the tempting treats i see behind the glass, knowing that they are beyond my means to obtain, and envying those who can enjoy those forbidden fruits. sound familiar? well it should, for me, that is what life was like for as long as i can remember. that scenario was among the myriad of reasons that emotion-numbing addictive behaviors were part of what i did. writing this little ditty this morning, i am finally coming to grips with what is really going on with me. after nine years and some change clean, i am beginning to look like part of normal society, i am part of a loving, committed relationship, i am buying a ranch house in the ’burbs with a picket white fence, got a dog, a modern car, and way more consumer credit than i need. so i look "normal", why can i not feel "normal"? well that takes me back to step one -- i am an addict, and always will be. being an addict precludes me ever being "normal", and today i realize that i just need to accept that and move on. the only place i have ever fit in is the fellowship, and the only one separating me from the love and companionship of my peers in the fellowship is me. so back to basics after a quick reality check -- do i want to continue to get what i have been getting or do i want to get what i always got? i want the gifts of this new life, so once again i need to allow myself to be a part of the fellowship that has taught me how to live. once again i NEED to be what i am, and addict in recovery. nothing more to see here, move along!

∞ DT ∞