Some memes

is something i very barely stress about these days. i am who i am and have finally become comfortable with that notion, even though i am not quite sure who that person may be. the decades of hiding behind the walls of a false front, in my fruitless attempts to fit in, has left some lasting scars on my psyche. none of that damage will be healed overnight and some may linger until the day i die. that is what it is. the good news is, today and just for today, i can be the person i am and allow the ships of acceptance from others to fall where they may. my “need” to be accepted by others has diminished as i grow my acceptance of myself. the type of car i drive, my annual salary, my house, the company i keep and how i spend my free time, no longer define who i am. all of that external stuff is part of what i do and what i own and in my own mind does not enhance or diminish my view of my wroth to the world around me. coming around to this point of view is liberating as well as simplifying. when i do not have to worry about what others think, the song and dance can stop, forever.
now that i have gone down this path, what i felt as i sat and listened this morning was not quite what i just wrote about. what kept bubbling up was how i was still attempting to show the world what i thought the world wanted to see. i wondered if my renewed interest and yes obsession with a social media app was driving me to distraction. as the question was asked, the answer was the same. i do not do what i do on social media for acceptance, likes or follows, BUT i have to say i certainly enjoy getting all of that. no, my heavy use is a function of becoming who i am. i have always had strong opinions and i have always laid them out in a manner approaching extreme prejudice. now i get to do so, in a very public forum, because it suits me to do so and maybe, just maybe, i am making an iota of difference in the minds of those who see what i add and what i repeat. i can be me and if someone does not care for the value i add, they do not have to like or follow me and i never know one way or another. for me that is a perfect sort of calm after the storm.
today is the day where i find out if this little ditty gets cut off from being auto-magically posted on that forum. i do have a back-up plan and i may have to implement it. when i made the decision to stop posting links to these musings on one form of social media, i wondered how much my “audience” would be reduced. what i have come to find out, is that for me anyhow, having little or no knowledge of who is reading my stuff is a far cry better that worrying about who may be reading it. as i get towards the end of what has been on the top of my mind this morning, i can say i accept that i am an addict in recovery and that i am all sorts of weird, obsessive and opinionated. knowing all of that makes me think no less of who i am and will not drive me to hide my light under a bushel, once again. it simply is what it is, just for today.

∞ DT ∞