Blog entry for:

if i stay clean, the darkness will lift and i will find a deeper connection to my Higher Power. so i have had better starts to my mornings, and yet there is a strange sense of calm over me, as i realize and accept that i am powerless over computers that are over a thousand miles away. i am just moving forward, i have let the administrators know and i am letting go.
so relapse. while it may be a part of recovery has not been part of mine. oh sure, i have seen enough members go out, and i have seen members who are on the revolving door plan, but once i decided to do this gig, i have stuck with it.
however, that is not what the reading was all about this morning. sure, it is titled relapse, and speaks to thinking through the consequences of treating my bad feelings with a dip into the active addiction pool, and all of that is well and fine. no, what i heard this morning is about FAITH. having the FAITH to face life and the bumps and grinds that are part and parcel of life in the real world, without using. that no matter what happens, if i live in a moment of FAITH, i will get through it and i will be able to face it, with the help of a HIGHER POWER and the fellowship that has provided me this manner of living.
as i sit here and wonder at the miracle of me being clean, i think about what i told one of my sponsees a couple of weeks ago. that unless he finally did something different, he would end-up right where he is now, and that applies to me also. yes i have been struggling to come to terms with some personal relationships that are not as i would like them to be. yes, i have finally allowed my bubble to be burst and started to move on, into a life where that particular relationship is nonexistent. and yes, i am afraid to finish this step cycle because i have never done more than twelve steps with any one sponsor. unless, i let go of all of this, and allow the light of recovery to fill this shadowy place, i can see myself being consumed by the desire to use, and be one of those who does not make it back. i honestly do not believe that i will be one who comes back to the rooms after a trip through using, so as a result, i find my ongoing recovery far more precious than anything else.
but anyhow, the HOPE is that if an addict like me, can find recovery, and learn to cherish that gift, than anyone can, after all, i may be an individual, but i am not that different nor unique in this regard, i am after all, just another addict in recovery. so off to the streets on this very warm and windy morning.

∞ DT ∞