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after many years of recovery die from active addiction? the meat behind the tried and true bromide of **play the tape to the end.** as trite and overused as that statement is, like all of the slogans and clichés that are spouted freely in the rooms, there is more than a grain of truth in the idea itself.
to answer that question with an actual number, rather than responding in a rhetorical manner, really does beg the question, the fact is that whether or not i get to be one of the “lucky” that die of an overdose, quickly in a relapse, or have to be dragged along the bottom for years on end, that sort of life looks far too bleak for me to really desire it.
me, well i have been having my issues with the newly legal substance that was my sustenance way back in the day. in my head i romanced it, plotted how to do it the cheapest and most importantly how to get away with it, so i could maintain my status in the local fellowship. yes, that was the final kicker, that tripped me over the edge into seeing what i was doing, namely i wanted to have my cake and eat it too! great work, when one can find it.
when i finally saw that getting away with something, was what this was all about, i knew it was the part of me i call addiction, that was working me over. like many of my peers with a bit of clean time, i am growing into a very comfortable life. i no longer have the “committee”, screaming in my head, even though i hate that term nor do i romance what life as an using addict would be like for me. it is not some demon, speaking in my own voice or anything like that. it is certainly me, taking a fantasy and plumping it up and pimping it out as something that may be desirable to me, the whole me, and nothing but me. i certainly would like to place the blame elsewhere, the reality of the situation is, that even with some time clean, i am prone to thinking about a life of using as attractive. what i know would happen, as i have seen it before, would be i would start with just a little bit, than only on weekends, than just to get me normal, and finally well why not go for what i have never used in the past, after all…
that has been the pattern i have seen time and again, not just from those who went out after some time clean, even the revolving door members talk about the same process, and the lack of life i see in their eyes when and if they make it back, convinces me that i too, am subject to the same fate.
just to be clear, i mentioned above how the **lucky** ones, were those who died on their first use. in my opinion, i would rather go out with that sort of bang, instead of drift down towards the degradation and humiliation, of jails and institutions. with that attitude firmly planted in my conscious psyche this morning, for me, to relapse, is to court my physical death, not the addict inside or my disease, ME! when i put things into that sort of language, harsh as it is, i finally get how romancing the idea that i can go out and only use the newly legal and socially acceptable substance, is just that-- a pipe dream, figuratively and literally!
sometimes, i need to strip away all the padding i have been taught to use in the rooms, to get at the core of my reality. i understand why it is there and we are encouraged by social pressure to use it, after all, if io tell a newcomer that they are killing themselves, of their own free will and with a conscious disregard of the consequences, they more than likely will run away screaming, even though they suspect that is the case,. if i disguise that reality in terms of a disease, my addiction, the addict within, it becomes a whole lot more palatable, and perhaps they will be able to swallow enough of this Kool-Ade, that they get a chance to find a manner of living that makes them have no desire to walk on out to the nearest dispensary and have a little sumthin', sumthin'.
for me, it is that layer of comfort, that is my enemy, a defect of character is a defect of character, i do not have a disease that wants me dead, but will settle for getting me high, it is just ME. and for me, ONE IS TOO MANY! i know that this morning and now that i have made it to that place, the time has come to shower off, shave and get rolling west-bound and down to the job that is paying for my upcoming vacation. it is a great day, NOT to stop at the dispensary, just once, top see what i could be.

∞ DT ∞