Blog entry for:

there is only one way i can make it through those troubling times: with faith.
of course those are the very times when my FAITH is at its weakest strength. am i in danger of relapsing today? i do not think so, but this morning i feel strangely let down. the whirlwind of activity over the past month has stopped and for the first Saturday since my change in residence started i have not a whole lot to do in regards to my life. yes i have some responsibilities to catch-up on, and yes i still have unpacking to do and yes i still have no pictures on my wall BUT all of that seems distant and without consequence today. i am where i am, and i am here to stay, at least physically. spiritually i am in a good place today also. i have FAITH that i will be provided with the ways and means to further my recovery today. emotionally i am sure that this feeling of depression is just a manifestation of the release of stress in my life and not truly depression. i do not feel sad, sullen or withdrawn, just sort of empty and at loose ends and i know that this too shall pass.
so on to the topic of using FAITH to prevent relapse. i was one of the lucky ones, i had an outside influence that kept me compliant in early recovery so that i could not use if i wanted to remain a free man. the FEAR of incarceration was enough to keep me clean while my nascent FAITH was given a chance to grow and flourish. i was not the sort of person that took anything on FAITH when i walked into the rooms, and that attitude is still influencing my thinking to this day. my FAITH is a result of seeing the evidence across the course of my recovery that this program does work despite me, and that there are way too many things that occur seemingly by chance to be rationally explained away. those are the two pillars that my FAITH rests upon today, and that FAITH as it has grown across the course of my recovery has taught me that i can survive anything that may happen to me. feelings are just feelings, material possessions are just material possessions and friends, lovers and peers are just people. yes to lose any or all of those would be painful, and the thought of escaping into the cocoon of chemical bliss would be appealing, but i have seen all of those things happen to other members, and they have stayed clean. i myself have experienced some very dark times, and yet the tools to stay clean were right there at my disposal, and i did not have to relapse to get through those times.
so will i use today? i do not think so, i believe that i can face the day and its ups and downs and choose to recover today. i have FAITH that the process and my HIGHER POWER will provide me what i need today, and that using is not the answer, so off to the showers and time to get a few things done.

∞ DT ∞