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these days i cringe when i use terms such as never or always, as it has been my experience, that using such terms are set-ups for failure. there are, of course, a few exceptions to that rule. i am either clean or i am not and relapse, no matter how enticing, will not correct anything in my life. there have been many times in my recovery when a brief vacation from abstinence seemed like a great idea, and an even better one was to do it on the down low, so i could continue to act as if i had long term recovery. truth be told, each and every time i got myself in to one of those places, my pride in having an extended period of time clean, was one of the contributing factors in my decision to stay clean. not the healthiest of solutions but one that has worked. the last time, however, i stopped before using because my desire to stay clean was stronger than my desire to change what i was feeling and la voilà, here i am nearly a year later musing about clean time, recovery and relapse.
as i consider the consequences of using, whether or not i accomplish it without anyone knowing, the fact is, i would. i have been less than honest for a huge chunk of my life, playing roles that i needed to play, fronting being something i was not and telling stories in an attempt to be more interesting. all of that effort got me nothing but a reduced sense of self-respect and self-esteem and an identity about which i was clueless. as i come out from under that cloud of self-deception, into the light of recovery, i am starting to see that i am an interesting person, without having to have anyone else hang on my every word. for me, a relapse would return me to those shadows, as i would do my best to prevent anyone from seeing that i had got high. i am not sure i could survive that sort of life anymore and as a consequence, i choose to stay clean, by accepting that there is a POWER that fuels my recovery, if i allow IT to do so, just for today.

∞ DT ∞