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bending to the will of trying to see things a bit differently, as i spoke of a few days ago, this could certainly be THE reading that tips me over into the yippie-skippy version of myself. balancing my seemingly inherent need to see the storm clouds in the perfectly clear skies, with a more **positive** outlook, has not been easy. i have seen two of my peers come back from relapse the past week, and although their tales are different, their tails are certainly between their legs, as once again, the chose to use. of course none of that is my stuff, so i can totter on my merry way.
what i heard this morning and why those two peers, popped to the stop of the stack was, wait for it, a feeling of GRATITUDE that i have been stubborn enough, obstinate enough and yes strong enough to do what it takes to stay clean. i cannot speak for my peers, but i do know that for me, relapse is always an option. the fact is, there have been many times during my recovery journey that i came to the place in the wood where two roads diverged and i took the one that led me to where i am today. although had i taken the other one, i might still be on this side of the grass, but certainly not pounding out a missive to the inter-webs. i am not quite sure, how i got through those times clean. i have come to the conclusion that finding out the “why” is no longer important, the facts are just that, the facts. i stayed clean, i continue to live an active program of recovery and i GET to make choices in my life today, that lead to all sorts of outcomes, some favorable, some not so much. choosing to stay clean and doing what it takes, just for today, seems to lead to the most favorable of outcomes, even when my life just plain sucks. today as i was rearranging the snow that fell over the past few days, i had the thought that maybe there was more to the chain of events that led me to this place, than sheer coincidence, bad luck and poor timing. what that something else was or may be, well that leads me down all sorts of paths i choose not to trod. i do know that being stubborn enough to seek the power to stay clean, is how this gig has worked or me. wanting to look bigger, badder and more spiritual than my peers, has yet to take me out, but it certainly is a place i can start to no longer choose to dwell. i mean seriously, here i am with over two decades clean, still trying to impress, WTF is that all about? i am not sure, but just for today, i can be okay with being a bit less than perfect, as the only thing i NEED to do perfectly is not picking up. just for today, i have the confidence that i can accomplish that task.

∞ DT ∞