Some memes

nor is it a requirement for recovery. i know we all talk about relapse as a part of the recovery scene, but my feelings on this subject are quite strong and may seem offensive to a few. with that caveat stated, i can now launch into what is in my mind this morning. i was the type who fumbled through the end of my active addiction by using when i though i could get away with it, lying to the members of the room, my counselors, my friends and my family about my clean time. while it is true that i could get twenty or thirty days abstinent during this period, i always used at the first break i had, in fact i often told myself that if only i could use once a month i would be content and my life would be closer to perfect than it was at that time. when i was not using, i was counting the days on the calendar, planning my next use and pretending that i was really part of the fellowship i chose to attend. and truthfully the only reason i went to so many meetings was to get out of the house. the people i found in the rooms during that time were superstitious cult members without a clue about how my life really was and all i wanted was their signatures on my little attendance verification paper.
then i used my final time and miscounted on the calendar, and ended-up with a few more consequences to my overly consequential life. truthfully the event that brought me on to the path of recovery was the threat of prison time by my probation officer.
so flash forward to nearly eight and half years later -- i am now on the last day of a job i have had for the past eleven years, i have just started creating a life together with my girl friend, i have lost friends and family members to physical illness, and i have lost peers to the disease of addiction. but i have stayed clean, in fact i have come to feel a sense of gratitude for being given the gift of a fellowship that provides me the means to stay clean and live another day. through all the ups and downs of my life in recovery i have chosen not to use. that is not to say that i have not been in the process of relapse, i understand that we often enter the relapse process long before we actually use. more than once i have turned my back on the members and the fellowship and chose to do it my way, and the results were nearly disastrous. today i choose to LIVE the program to the best of my ability, and after chatting with my sponsor last night, i am ready to embark on the next phase of my life. yes i am currently transversing the metaphysical hall of terror, between what my life looked like two months ago and what it will look like in another couple of months, but the fear, uncertainty and doubt i feel will pass, IF i stay committed to a life in recovery, and what that next room of my life looks like will be revealed in time. carlos was right, i have been preparing for this change for quite some time now, why here and now is irrelevant, my job is to step-up my commitment to myself and the program, be present and DO NOT USE NO MATTER WHAT and things will work out probably to my liking! so is relapse the answer for me today, i do not think so, the answer for me is to do what is put in front of me and continue to recover!

∞ DT ∞