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no matter what they look like, in this phase of my recovery. the notion that using means much more than giving up my clean-time is a theme i often return to, when i contemplate the results of relapse for this addict. jails, could certainly be part of that picture, as i have a record, as ancient as it may be, that can and will be used against me, if society deems that it needs to be held against me. the reading mentions being cut off from GOD, as spiritual death of sorts, and although i am neither a theist or as deist, my carefully nurtured spirituality would certainly be terminated, as it has been my experience that this addict, while using, lacks the capability and desire to meditate, which is my primary spiritual practice.the DESIRE that is kept in check now, by the program of recovery i CHOOSE to follow, would run rampant and even if i decided to “control” my using and succeeded to do so, i know that DESIRE would still overwhelm and consume me, sending me into a pit of doom. only by swallowing my pride, admitting my use and returning to this program of recovery, might i be freed from active addiction. i take heart in the line that says, “we have never seen ANYONE fail, who live the program.” it is the basis of my FAITH and certainly keeps me doing what i have always done, to minimize the chances of making a decision that today, a little drop of poison is called for.
all that being said, it was not what i “heard” this morning as i sat. my mind kept flipping back to the meeting yesterday, and how everyone shared about the bright and sunny side of success. i did not share, even though i certainly had the DESIRE to add my slightly dark and certainly cloudy reaction to their shares.in fact, as i sat this morning, i was more than confident that was one parade that was better off without my discordant trumpet, blaring out. as i listened to my peers and tried to reconcile what they said with my own experience, i came to a place where i really wondered who was pink-clouding, who was posturing and who really believed what they were sharing. judging in that manner, i naturally missed the essence of what they were giving me, while focusing on presentation. what i walked away with was that whether or not they were doing what i would have been doing, i could see why i would share in the manner that they did. i like to think that i am not driven by material success, in fact i like to think i am far above crass materialism, when in fact i am as materialistic as the rest of my peers, as i am far from giving away all that i won, running off to a cave in India and living a life asceticism. i want to APPEAR all spiritual to my peers, when in reality i am just another addict. when my self-esteem is lacking, as it does from time to time, my DESIRE to show how far i have come, raises its ugly head and <BOOM> then i am smack dab in the middle of envy and jealousy, looking to enhance my status among my peers, by degrading the status of others. i was not there yesterday at the noon meeting, but i certainly had an argument or two about how what i consider a success had been altered over the course of time and my active participation in my program of recovery. part of that change, was to keep my mouth shut, when i was just dying to let all of those present know what a crock of bull-shite i just heard.
this morning, as i drop that little nicely polished coprolite on the roadside, i see that it is not my job to dispel the illusion, cut through the smokescreen and look at the man behind the curtain. it is my job to be open about what i am, how i feel and yes , when appropriate my reactions to what i deem more than a little sketchy. it is interesting watching some of the most dangerous sharks in the rest of world, come into the rooms and lay claim to a spiritual high ground, when their next action will be selfish, self-centered and justified away by a whole chain of the “devil” mad me do it statements. how can i make such a bold prediction? been there, done that and still have the scalps hanging from my belt.
today? well today i have no desire to use, nor to better myself at the expense of another. it is however very early and i have yet to walk out the door, so only time will tell. it is a good day to be clean and maybe, just maybe, i will not need to bring ants or rain to the picnic, today. there is always HOPE for an addict like me, and the program of recovery oi ascribe to, just for today.

∞ DT ∞