Blog entry for:

one event that has yet to be a part of my story, at least the part where i actually used and had to restart my clean time. i have had many periods of spiritual relapses and IF i had to count my clean time from there, well let me just say that i would not have thousands of days in a row clean.
that is an very interesting distinction, differing from the actual physical use of substances and lapsing into a spiritual and emotional state that is not all that dissimilar to active addiction. in fact, my first eighteen months was certainly a “spiritual scraping by” time, where i was only clean to avoid the consequences of my next use.
pride has also kept me from actually using, in several dark times in my recovery journey. the last thin g i wanted to do, is to stand up in front of my peers and friends and admit i had used. the distaste of that imagined humbling experience is however, part of my experience. way back when, i pretended i was clean for over six months. i took key tags, learned the language, passed all of my monitored abstinence tests and generally made it look like i was a member of the fellowship. my first meeting was in February, my clean date is in September, and between those dates, i used as often as i could get away with using, BUT i used my chameleon-like skill to blend in, to become a part of my local fellowships, as i was a cross-fellowshipping dude, back in those times. i saw nothing wrong being an “and-a” and looking at it form this point in time, i cannot even call it a rel;apse, as i had never really stopped using, just slowed way down. when i got caught, and yes it was being caught, betrayed by my body and my incredible ego, and had to own up to my home group that i had five days clean, as that was the case, it sucked. i felt humiliated, i felt small. i felt like the world had crashed down around me and i felt that i would need to crawl on my belly out the door and never show my face again. in fact it was six months before i returned to a meeting of the fellowship that has become my home, i really did not want to experience that feeling again, although i told myself and all who would listen that i needed ONE program and to concentrate on that ONE program, even though it was not the right one for me.
having that experience makes it easier for me to empathize when others go down the same path and some day, if they ever return to the fold, they can rest assured that at least from me there will be no judgements, as i know what it means to put on the eminent front of being clean. the fact that i felt no guilt or shame over what i was doing, has always troubled me. part of my deep dive into service starting when i finally REALLY had eighteen months clean, was to make amends for the damage i did to the fellowship with my skirting the system and getting high whenever i could get away with it. i never told my probation officer how many times i used, i just let her believe that it was at least that one time.
in my darkest times, i remember how all of that felt and the damage i did to myself, and i rely on whatever i need to, to stay clean one more day. the POWER that fuels my recovery provides m]e with the spiritual abundance i need to stay clean, to grow and yes to thrive. at times, i have had to rely on my friends, my peers and my sponsor, to stay clean one more day as well. and some days, it is just pure determination, willpower and grit that kept me clean.
today, i can gratefully state is not one of those days. today i have the desire to stay clean. today, i have the desire to become more than i was yesterday. today i have the desire to thrive in my life and my recovery and i understand that i have a choice to use or not to use. just as the Danish prince once started his famous soliloquy, considering whether it was nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, today i choose to live and by making that choice i choose to stay clean, live an active program of recovery and allwo whatever is going to happen, to happen. tomorrow? well chances are good i will decide to stay clean again, but one never knows, that is why this is a just for today program.

∞ DT ∞