ฮผ there will be and have been times, when i really felt like using ฮผ
Posted: Thu, Mar 3, 2011 12:18:08 PM
this is when i NEED the program with all its members the most.
it has been quite a morning, having to get things done and sandwiching in what i want to do, with what i have to do, has created some inner turmoil. yes it is 11:00 and i am just getting around to writing this entry. where did the morning go? well a spot inventory tells me it did not go to time wasters like a computer game or staring at my belly button. i did a bit of service, a bit of work, a bit of physical fitness, and finally time for a bit of spiritual fitness.
just like any other addict in recovery, facing life on its own terms causes stress from time to time, that is just how it is. before accepting a program of recovery, i had more than one manner of deferring, diverting or escaping the stress of life in general. just one of the methods involved the use and abuse of substances, and for me, that method worked right up to the very end. i know that sounds puzzling to others, the worked to the very end part, as more than once i have heard others say IF it was still working, they would not be in recovery. i certainly understand that sentiment, but for me, it does not apply, i am one of those who had little choice back in the day, and a miracle happened before the sword was lifted, so it goes.
anyhow, just like everyone else in the rooms, when times get tough, the old feeling of I NEED TO RUN AWAY, fills my conscious being. i would love to say that it did not, but these days i am doing my best to live in reality not the fantasy world of self-delusion and self-degradation i came from. even though i still can romanticize about the nuclear solution, i am not ready to pay the price. yes there is most assuredly a price and a prize for each action i take. the prize? i get to forget about my troubles for 20 minutes or so. the price? a return to active addiction! even if i am one of the lucky ones who make it right back, i CANNOT and WILL NOT count on that. the alternative, face whatever it is that is creating the reaction within me, and see what i can do. yeah, sounds like courage to me, and courage is not one of my natural behaviors. nay, belay that last statement, courage WAS NOT one of my natural reactions, it is BECOMING a default behavior, because of the program i have found a home within.
honestly, my FAITH, such as it is, tells me that i can face anything and stay clean. there is a preponderance of evidence to support that assertion, and all i have to do is be present and the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide the means for me to get through any situation with my recovery intact.
with that thought on the top of the stack, it is time to sign-off with something my friend Joe always says: IT IS A GOOD DAY TO BE CLEAN.
it has been quite a morning, having to get things done and sandwiching in what i want to do, with what i have to do, has created some inner turmoil. yes it is 11:00 and i am just getting around to writing this entry. where did the morning go? well a spot inventory tells me it did not go to time wasters like a computer game or staring at my belly button. i did a bit of service, a bit of work, a bit of physical fitness, and finally time for a bit of spiritual fitness.
just like any other addict in recovery, facing life on its own terms causes stress from time to time, that is just how it is. before accepting a program of recovery, i had more than one manner of deferring, diverting or escaping the stress of life in general. just one of the methods involved the use and abuse of substances, and for me, that method worked right up to the very end. i know that sounds puzzling to others, the worked to the very end part, as more than once i have heard others say IF it was still working, they would not be in recovery. i certainly understand that sentiment, but for me, it does not apply, i am one of those who had little choice back in the day, and a miracle happened before the sword was lifted, so it goes.
anyhow, just like everyone else in the rooms, when times get tough, the old feeling of I NEED TO RUN AWAY, fills my conscious being. i would love to say that it did not, but these days i am doing my best to live in reality not the fantasy world of self-delusion and self-degradation i came from. even though i still can romanticize about the nuclear solution, i am not ready to pay the price. yes there is most assuredly a price and a prize for each action i take. the prize? i get to forget about my troubles for 20 minutes or so. the price? a return to active addiction! even if i am one of the lucky ones who make it right back, i CANNOT and WILL NOT count on that. the alternative, face whatever it is that is creating the reaction within me, and see what i can do. yeah, sounds like courage to me, and courage is not one of my natural behaviors. nay, belay that last statement, courage WAS NOT one of my natural reactions, it is BECOMING a default behavior, because of the program i have found a home within.
honestly, my FAITH, such as it is, tells me that i can face anything and stay clean. there is a preponderance of evidence to support that assertion, and all i have to do is be present and the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide the means for me to get through any situation with my recovery intact.
with that thought on the top of the stack, it is time to sign-off with something my friend Joe always says: IT IS A GOOD DAY TO BE CLEAN.
∞ DT ∞