Some memes

i will face them with the POWER that fuels my recovery. this particular reading is more than a bit ironic, as most of those i know, who are in a relapse state, more than likely were not reading the daily meditation anyhow. the fact is, that they were probably not doing anything for their recovery, except lying about how good they were really doing, hiding in the shadows, to avoid being spotted and getting their excuse all lined up, so it was not their fault when the time came to use. how do i know this? i do not, but that is how i would do it! yes, more than once i have planned out a relapse, and the really sick part of it is, that i had no idea where i was going, even though i was plotting out how to do it. i am grateful, that i had a program in place, that gives me nearly constant reminders of where a relapse will take me. yes, i am part of the fortunate, that have never had to leave recovery to stay here. once i GOT clean, i STAYED clean, because, quite honestly, staying clean is easier than getting clean, at least in this phase of my recovery, and i NEVER want to get clean again. i was about to write a message to the friends i have that are currently using, but what is the point, i know if i was out there, the last thing i would be doing, is reading someone's ramblings about recovery, on the internet. i also know, that IF i went out, it would be a LONG time before i even attempted to come back again. so in the hypothetical world of my relapse, things do not look pretty and there is no sugar coating i can put on that vision to make it any more palatable. it would be ugly.
the solution today, is to do the next right thing, work on my program of active recovery and remember that relapse is ALWAYS a choice and whether i choose to use because i feel socially awkward, or i want to have a using addict be a part of my life, the result is the same, the destruction of all that i have been given, and a return to the spiritual void, that active addiction brings to this addict, as there is no way i can use and be spiritual at the same time. for me, those states are mutually exclusive.
anyhow, it is time to shower off and head east. i am grateful that, just for today, i do not have to use, no matter what!

∞ DT ∞