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and i will find a deeper connection to the POWER that fuels my recovery.
okay, relapse is not part of my story, so i can add no experience, strength or hope to this discussion.
i do, on the other hand have a few friends and many peers, who have relapsed and the lucky ones have made it back. the others? well they present, at least for me a cautionary tale. one of my friend and peers who once had almost eleven years clean, brags about how good it is to be clean, on FaceBook, then two days later stands up in court and makes a total a$$hole of himself. he is incapable of seeing what the rest of us see, and even those who hung with him and used with him, are saying that he is NOT the man they once knew, which for an addict in active addiction to say, is quite a leap from that world.
then, like most of my peers, who have a few days clean, i have a friend who has been in and out of the rooms, jails, prisons and other less than sundry locales, for so long, that even i am losing any HOPE for him. i have always believed he could get clean, and stay clean, and he always dashes that belief by doing what he always does, following his male organ back into the pits of active addiction. i may have a clue or two about his motives, but this little exercise is not about him, it is about me and how his behavior is affecting me and the series of decisions i am in the process of making. he is the living example of déjà vu, all over again. the only difference this time, is that he can pay to get his a$$ out, and of course, as i am the only person who has stood behind him all this time, it is my job to do so, or barring that, my job to buy him stuff to make his stay more comfortable in there. after talking to a friend, peer and sponsee, i have decided that i am not taking that job at all. i will not arrange to get him out, nor will i put any money on his books or buy him anything to soften the blow. it is time that i stop the insanity of believing i can buy his way into recovery, by making an environment he seems to long for, any less trying than it is.
i used to believe that i owed him something and rescuing him from his mistakes was the p[roper course of action, with that sort of belief system driving my decision process, it is no wonder he disrespects me. i have facilitated that belief in him and have done nothing but feed the lie, that no matter how fVcked up he gets, i will still be here to rescue him. my payoff for that behaviors? a false feeling of self-esteem that i was doing the right thing by him. the truth is i was fVcking him over, by not allowing him to land very hard and feel all the consequences of his series of bad decisions. so when he calls, and he will, i NEED to be honest and say no more. i need to regain that piece of me i have so willingly given away over the course of this relationship and allow myself to heal intro the man i have always wanted to be/ will any of this take me out? well not today and chances are fairly good that not tomorrow either. but just for today, i can invest in myself and my recovery and just say NO MO'

∞ DT ∞