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some of the time i identify my personality closely with the behavior i practiced while using, leading me to feel shame and despair. the qualifier here is SOME! it would be wonderful to say that this is no longer a weapon i wielded against myself. and it would be nice to say that i have put my past squarely behind and no longer ever focused on my past, either in active addiction or in recovery. yes that would be wonderful, but today, at least when it comes to me, i deal with the reality of who and what i am, and not who i would like to be. do not mistake that last statement for anything more than what it is, a simple statement of fact. yes i aspire to become a recovery saint, and will keep working on my spiritual development to allow me to progress closer to that state of being, in reality however, i realize that TRUE SAINTS are not very often generated by any means, so the realistic point of view is that although i aspire, i will not be disappointed if i do not achieve it. nor does that mean i can excuse my behavior with the i am only human line or even worse <CRINGE> i am just another addict line.
i have found both of those very convenient in the past, and that is one of my behaviors that really trip me out, mainly because those were my best lines in active addiction and when i hear them coming out of my mouth in recovery, it provides me the means to warm up the whole shame train, as it is evidence to be used in the court of law within my head that judges how ell i am or am not doing.
of course, i could as the reading suggests and wait to my next fourth step to deal with this kind of stuff, and i have seen many members who do exactly that, for me, however, i have a desire to be better than i woke up today, so i use my tenth step inventory to take care of this kind of crap. and that is exactly what it is. yes, i am going to act out, yes i am going to step on some toes, yes what i say is going to be misinterpreted and i will have to go back and clean up any and all of these messes. just because these events happen, what i need to focus on is the frequency and not the act itself, at least when i am looking at my progress along the recovery continuum. if they are happening less, than i can say my program is working, if they are occurring with greater frequency i need to see what i am missing in my daily program, by consulting with my sponsor, and looking for patterns in my thinking and feelings that indicates lapses in my spiritual condition.
but anyhow, duty calls, i am off to town and then back to run, and what i will carry forward is that living in the here and now, and not focusing on my past or my future will allow me to be more that i was yesterday, and if that is the case there is always hope for me.

∞ DT ∞