Blog entry for:

with the behavior i practiced while using, leading me to feel shame and despair. it is a good thing that i have the STEPS and my peers in recovery, to remind mew, i am more than the person i walked into the rooms as.
well the powers that be, seem to be saying either write this or move on. so i guess i will do the next right thing and write this little ditty.
yes, there are certainly times when i want to act as if i was still using, especially in the company of the other 85%. most of those people, are clueless as to my history and i LIKE IT like that. so a quick dip into chaos feels like the right thing to do, after all, i do not want to appear boring, dull or joyless. yes, i said it, sometimes, i feel that doing the next right thing, consistently makes me appear to be weak and feeble, and the last thing i think i ever want to appear, is weak and feeble. of course when i sit down to partake in the joy of the TENTH STEP, afterwards, i feel guilty and yes more than a bit of shame, after all, after all these days i should know better! so it goes, until the next time.
is there no hope for someone like me? well there is, i have been given not only the means, but the vision of who i can become and that person is far from boring. it is the part of me i call addiction that lies to me in my own voice, that tells me i am not okay the way i am. that i will impress no one by doing the next right thing and that if i do not create a bit of chaos, i am not really living. so what is a person like me to do? remember what i am, and where i am going. even though the destination is unimportant, the journey is. by focusing on my journey, instead of an unknowable destination, i can live my life to the fullest and when the time comes to look at myself through the inventory process, i can rest assured that i will get more clarity about where i am, and be content knowing that even though i may be an addict, there is life after active addiction and i do not need to create chaos to fell like i am alive. so back to the task at hand, getting as much done as possible, so i can return to having my weekend available for other stuff.

∞ DT ∞