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are no longer the driving themes in my life these days. when i realized how sick and tired i was about always being one microsecond away from a meltdown. that event would have created dire consequences in my personal relationships. the impetus to write was upon me and write i did, revealing my long neglected feelings of shame, humiliation, embarrassment and confusion, that i had come to believe i had dealt with a long, long, long, long time ago. the fact is, while i remembered the event in vivid, technicolor detail, i denied the feelings and the consequences of swallowing those feelings and vowing as only a five year can, to never, ever feel those feelings again.
writing that inventory and sharing it with my sponse., was certainly an act of desperation. surrendering to the avalanche of “negative” feelings and allowing myself the freedom to feel them again, was an act of FAITH. it would have been nice if i only had to suffer the crush of that emotional weight only twice during this process, but between the time i wrote them down and shared them with my sponse., that crush happened again and again, reminding me of how often i swallowed those feelings and buried them under a new layer of shit and behaviors that changed the way i felt.
as freeing as all of that was, and it certainly was, moving forward with my new understanding of who i have been, certainly poses issues of its own. it is hard to figure out who i am at this juncture, because what i thought was my motivation for enjoying the chemical release from reality, is part of the lie i built my identity on, for all those years. as i start to get my act together and develop and action plan for how to move forward, i see that living in the here and now, finishing the work i need to do for my $1000.00 deposit into my HSA will certainly be helpful in defining the person i have the desire to be. exploding the myth that i used because i liked to use, is an important step forward for me. it makes sense that using worked right up until the millisecond i was forced to become abstinent.
today, i am worth more than twenty minutes of bliss followed by the desperate attempts to recreate that feeling. no matter how i slice and dice it, i am a different person spiritually than i was sixteen days ago. i have yet to figure out who that person may be, but i can say, in the brief time i have had with him, i certainly like him a whole lot better. it is time to get back to work and chase down an approval i need to get my release ready to roll for tonight. today, regardless of the weather, my work load or the physical consequences of rearranging twenty-five inches of heavy, wet snow, i know i have a path that will lead me to a place i have never been, i just do not know how to get there, except to go forward.

∞ DT ∞