Blog entry for:

it was nearly impossible to tell from one minute to the next what i was going to do or who i was going to be. as a result, the person most confused by my behavior was me. abstinence, while a good start, did nothing to alter this behavior, in fact there were times it was actually made worse. not until i really accepted some basic facts about myself and started actually working steps did any of this start to change. these days, this still creeps back into my life, as evidenced by what i am uncovering as a result of the new step cycle i have started writing. the reading seemed, at least on the surface, to be about the Fourth Step, and i could without a doubt speak to my experience of the inventory process, as it applies to my past, however in the her and now, there is a whole lot more going on.
i got a late night call from a friend in active addiction, when i called him back, i could tell he was using and was in the process of getting high at that very moment. he asked if he could call me back, and i said yes and went back to sleep. i missed his next two calls and his text as i slumbered fitfully through the night. whether or not that was a good thing, has yet to be determined, my selfish need for rest trumped his need to talk about what was going on in his life, and my gut feeling is, that it is not good. so it goes…
what does this show, well i could easily go into my self-abuse mode and start the litany of "i should have…" while that behavior my assuage my guilty conscience it does little to correct my behavior. i also could swing the opposite direction going for the "yes, but i…" path of rationalization and justification, while assuaging my guilty conscience would do little for the addict on the other end. so where am i this morning? after a bit of meditation and reflection, i feel that i did do the right thing, i went back to sleep and took care of myself, so i could face reality in the cold harsh light of day. i am sorry i did not wake up again to take his calls, and will apologize for being human, BUT i will neither lie to myself nor beat myself up for my behavior in the wee hours of the morning.
that process at arriving at acceptance, is what i heard this morning when i read the JFT reading, my consistent behavior and not dashing off to rescue someone was not only consistent but was a healthy choice, for me. the outcome on the addict on the end of line has yet to be seen, and i will probably not know until much later today. the HOPE is that as i continue to grow, and as i progress through this step cycle. i will be able to arrive at this place more often and once again SURRENDER to the undeniable fact that i am now and will continue to be an addict, my responsibility lies in choosing to recover, today in the here and now. i choose life, and will not allow myself to be dragged into the undertow of someone else’s active addiction. i love them, and i will support them in their recovery, BUT they need to arrive there first themselves. i have been arriving here a lot lately, it seems that the lessons of my last step cycle are finally kicking into my everyday life and for that i am grateful, as it will make this step cycle very interesting to say the least. so time to hit the shower and get rocking through my day. i am content that i can be the sort of man i want to be today.

∞ DT ∞