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my inventory helps me see beyond the demands of active addiction, beyond my desire to be loved and accepted -- i find out who i am at the root. no matter how much i do not want to uncover that fact. well, it is FEAR that dictates that i do not want to have this knowledge, and the part of me that truly desires change and freedom from a life dictated by the engine of active addiction, is always battling the part of me who desires nothing more than a quick get high and a return to that life that it once found so attractive. i would love to say that my inventories, at least the three of them i have done, put that battle to rest once and for all, they did not. what was accomplished was an accommodation, the part of me that desires change agrees to continue the work i have done to become more than i was, and the part of me that desires to use, waits patiently for the first sign of a chink in my armor of recovery. this uneasy truce create the dynamic situation that i have come to know as recovery.
so where is the HOPE if this is an ongoing situation? well, my experience is that as i do the steps and uncover who i really am, the battle gets less heated and more of a simmering conflict. the whole of me desires the gift of serenity and stability that recovery has given me, and becomes willing to do what it takes to keep the specter of using as something i do not desire to to today. as i continue progress towards the person i want to be, and probably was meant to be, that battle diminishes to something below my conscious recognition. i feel better, i behave better and my desire to change grows stronger than my desire to use, and that is how it has been for this addict since that day, what seems like forever ago and just yesterday, when i decided that i was going to do what it takes to recover. so off to prepare for a bit of service and into the cool and cloudy Sunday that i have been given.

∞ DT ∞