Blog entry for:

the person i once was. this morning, as i sat, i wondered about if i was really becoming someone different than i was when i came to the rooms of recovery. an old and very tired subject, at least for this addict, and one that is certainly fraught with peril. the inventory process, whether it is a formal 4TH step or part of my daily 10TH step, is certainly a great way to gauge my progress in this area and yet, there are times when i wonder if i am fooling myself, believing the stories i have invented to make myself feel more whole, more genuine and more self-aware.
across the course of the past few days i have had the opportunity to speak one on one, with more than a few of my peers. this is not a subject that comes up, but what has come up is all about the denial and the stories that bolster that particular bit of nastiness. one of them asked me why things had to get so bad for them and my answer was the question: would anything else have worked, specifically what did it take for you to get through the wall of denial that prevented you from seeing how bad things were getting. denial and the stories i tell myself are the single biggest enemies of my continued spiritual growth. any expectations of have of myself are based in the denial, especially when it comes to how well i am or am not doing. having put my shame over my past to bed, it is only when i am helping a peer, that i get to open that bag up again and remember what it was like, as a result, most of the time, i do not feel what i once did and the immediacy of using something to feel better is lost in the mists of time. my reservations, rationalizations and justifications have the same root, DENIAL and when i begin to believe some of the stories i tell myself, i start the spin cycle towards my next use.
this morning, as i let go and had my moment of quiet, i was surprised that it was DENIAL and all its lovely little friends that i felt i needed to be wary of, today. i am in a less than spiritual giant state these days and cannot wait for vacation to come barrelling down upon me. sometimes i just need to get away, far away from everything and most everyone, but before i get to run away, i have get to be present for funeral over the next two days. it does mean that i cannot be called, as i am leaving my work laptop at home, so that is a relief for the next 48 hours, but dealing with death, facing my mortality and grieving is not what i am up to doing on any given day, but today it is what i need to be ready for and accept. so time to run away and get my car taken care of, time to return my mind to work and time to let go and be certain, that just for today, i am on the path of becoming who i want to be.

∞ DT ∞