๐ค a confused ๐ค
Posted: Mon, Mar 16, 2020 07:33:24 AM
and confusing person, but one who has some direction today. so i made it out of active addiction alive and without a tattoo. i survived eighteen months of abstinence, fronting a recovery gig. i have made enormous strides in my life and am certainly less con fused about who i am, and where i am going. here on the first day after the CDC tells me to hunker down, i am going into the office, just to get out of the house. no confusion there, i have always been a bit rebellious and today is a reaction to what the COVID-19 virus is doing to my personal life and my freedom to move around. 😝
so maybe i am not as confused as i once was and more and more of the people in my life are less and less confused by what i choose to do. the facts are that i do have some clean time and i have made more than one trip through the twelve steps, so i have a bit of understanding about who i am, what i fear and where i think i may be going. even though Ireland is currently off my plate and the Big Apple,. looks less and less likely each passing day, i know that today's day in the office will be a good change of pace for me. it is true, there will be little to no social interaction, as i will be the only one present. it is also true that i could better squirrel away my resources for the “coming crash,” by starting my journey into being a panic-stricken hoarder. OR i can simply be myself, keep up my three days in advance shopping habits, cratering to my base desire to be sort of rebellious and be present for those in my life that i care about. the round trip i make between my home office and my company's office, may be the last one i make for the next few weeks, so i will enjoy the journey and remember that i am making a CHOICE and not being FORCED into doing something i do not want to do.
it is more than a littler evident that i am not a huge fan of being “forced” into doing stuff. that part of me was one of the driving forces behind my eighteen months of abstinence and my reluctance to becoming an actual member of any fellowship. the fact that i might need to humble myself and admit that maybe, just maybe i did not know as much as i thought i did about how to live me life, was a daunting one. hubris versus humility has been the yin and yang of my recovery journey. this morning as i pack up and get ready to drive to work, at least i have a clue or two about what is going on. i also have the prefect excuse if anyone happens to ask: “since i needed to get my earpiece charger anyhow, i might as well work from the office today.” i can still rationalize and justify with the best of them!
so maybe i am not as confused as i once was and more and more of the people in my life are less and less confused by what i choose to do. the facts are that i do have some clean time and i have made more than one trip through the twelve steps, so i have a bit of understanding about who i am, what i fear and where i think i may be going. even though Ireland is currently off my plate and the Big Apple,. looks less and less likely each passing day, i know that today's day in the office will be a good change of pace for me. it is true, there will be little to no social interaction, as i will be the only one present. it is also true that i could better squirrel away my resources for the “coming crash,” by starting my journey into being a panic-stricken hoarder. OR i can simply be myself, keep up my three days in advance shopping habits, cratering to my base desire to be sort of rebellious and be present for those in my life that i care about. the round trip i make between my home office and my company's office, may be the last one i make for the next few weeks, so i will enjoy the journey and remember that i am making a CHOICE and not being FORCED into doing something i do not want to do.
it is more than a littler evident that i am not a huge fan of being “forced” into doing stuff. that part of me was one of the driving forces behind my eighteen months of abstinence and my reluctance to becoming an actual member of any fellowship. the fact that i might need to humble myself and admit that maybe, just maybe i did not know as much as i thought i did about how to live me life, was a daunting one. hubris versus humility has been the yin and yang of my recovery journey. this morning as i pack up and get ready to drive to work, at least i have a clue or two about what is going on. i also have the prefect excuse if anyone happens to ask: “since i needed to get my earpiece charger anyhow, i might as well work from the office today.” i can still rationalize and justify with the best of them!
∞ DT ∞