Blog entry for:

i was a confused and confusing person. unfortunately, there are still times, when that holds true today. okay, before is tart down the path of false humility, i need to make a disclaimer there. most of the time, my behaviors are consistent with who i am today, and although they may appear confusing to the outside observer, they are consistent with who i am. how can i make such a statement? after all, when i was using, i could easily say the exact same thing, all that i did was motivated by my need to get more, i was at the center of the universe and had no doubt about what i need to do every single day.
using ⇒ confused and confusing, nearly all the time.
clean ⇒ just confusing from time to time.
who am i today? well i am an addict who is doing his best to practice a program of active recovery. i have done more than FOURTH STEP and continue a practice of a daily TENTH STEP. as heinous as that thirty day assignment was, all those years ago, and as obsessively as i was in maintaining that practice of writing an inventory, has certainly paid off in the long run. what got left behind was a practice that is fast becoming much more than just a quick glance at my day. if, as it appears is happening, i drop prayer off the plate of my conscious contact, maintaining the practice of meditation WILL become the essential core of my continuing effort to improve my conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery, and my current TENTH STEP dovetails, quite nicely into that world. that dai9ly practice of what i did well, what i did not so well and what i would prefer never to do again, is a barometer of my progress towards the ideal i am working towards, the man i have always wanted to be. as i sit, twice a day, i feel as if there really is more than i can see explain, and the world as chaotic and seemingly random as it may appear, does seem to have a rhyme and rhythm. as i adjust my expectations, especially of myself, i feel at greater peace and more in harmony with the flow of my life. as a result i certainly am far less confused and less confusing to others, i start to fit into the world. i may still be a round peg in that square hole, but as i start to approximate life as a member of the other 85%, i become someone, one can count on, instead of the confusing and confused flake i once was.
so yeah i know, rainbows, unicorns and daisies, some days are just like that and even a cynic like me, can find nothing to terribly wrong, or at least not worth commenting on. i can say this though, over the course of the past few days, i have been exposed to hearing how others view the exact same set of events. amazingly neither report what the other does, and it makes me wonder how what they perceive can be so different. which brings me back to the top, confusing, yes, confused, not so much. what i hear, what they report, is filtered through who they are and where they are in their lives. my job? to take what i hear, file it away and allow them to find the true reality in this chaotic situation. most importantly stay the fVck out of their way, as they need to figure it out themselves.

∞ DT ∞