Blog entry for:

i am has been a process that was kick-started a year ago and continues at a sometimes breakneck pace, these days. writing about what happened years ago and finally sharing what i felt about that event, was one of the most liberating experiences in my entire life. i am not at all concerned that it took more than twenty-three years of clean time and four previous inventories to finally unpack what was done to me, by me. i realize that the mountain of shit i piled on top of what i felt that day, so i would never have to feel it again, needed to be scraped off, layer by layer until i was ready to see the truth about myself. i do know that right here and right now, i do not need to lie, manipulate, cheat or steal to get the outcomes i desire, as my self-esteem is no longer dependent on looking as if i am “coming to the rescue.” my days as a knight in shining armor are over and good riddance.
last night, i allowed myself the freedom to attend the service committee meeting i had resigned from two weeks ago. i was pleasantly surprised as we dealt with a contentious and divisive issue, with no disrespect, rancor or revisiting of the past. in fact, the meeting was like those in the past where we talked about an issue and came to a unanimous decision about how to move forward. i may just rescind my resignation and continue to be a part of, rather than whining about how they do things over there. i can honestly say, that for me, it was a “good” time and not a chore that felt like twenty root canals in an hour. nor do i want that hour of my life back again, as i actually lived through it and found it way more than acceptable.
anyhow, i am running a bit early and have run out of notions to write about. as my life of “leisure” comes to its end, i am less stressed, day by day. it is true, next week i have to figure out a new routine and the routine of the past ten weeks or so, will go by the wayside. just for today, however, i am going to enjoy it and revel in the fact that i do not have to interview, take phone calls from “body-shoppers” or polish my profiles on any job sites. just for today, i can be okay with doing what i want to, taking care of my responsibilities and doing the needful to stay fit, spiritually, physically and emotionally, just for today.

∞ DT ∞