Blog entry for:

writing about my behavior and how i FEEL about it, is one of the most valuable skills i have acquired since beginning this whole recovery gig. beyond meetings, beyond service and yes some days beyond the connections i have made, the inventory process has become invaluable to me. whether it is a formal 4TH Step, a daily inventory or a spot inventory, i get far more benefits than the effort i put into it, not the least of which is a better understanding of who i am today.
of course i could ride the wave and be a cheer leader for the inventory process, parroting back what the reading speaks to, but today, that is not what i think i need to write about. today, i am still stuck on relationships and how not to take some actions on the part of others so fVcking personally. after all, they really do NOT know who the fVck i am, nor will they ever get that sort of perspective. i know that when i walked into the rooms of recovery i was not who i put forward to the members who were already here. i doubted that any had any clean time and was certain that i knew who i was and did not need no freaky, new age, psycho-babble program to “cure” me. when i finally GOT clean, that attitude had not shifted in any way, i was just more willing to pretend that it had and say all the “magic” phrases and work through the steps with the barest touch on reality i could muster. needless to say, when the time came, that i needed recovery, it almost did not happen, and i wonder today what would have happened after that night in New Jersey, had i done the natural thing and used.
when i say that i am stuck on relationships, what i specifically mean, are those that feel one-sided to me, where my reaching out gets nothing back. the payoff for me, by being all hurt and angry is i GET the evidence i need to return to my distant perch above my peers, friends and cohorts in the fellowship. see, i can tell myself, putting myself out there does not work, never trust anyone with less than… now that i wrote that down, the process kicks in. i wrote what i was feeling, and i wrote what i GET out of harboring the feeling, nursing it along and allowing it to take on a life far greater than it needs to. what i am feeling can quickly become a resentment, that starts against one person and morph into a dark cloud of resentful judgement against one and all of the members of the fellowship. what i really am trying to avoid is the conclusion that the lack of response is because the member i am reaching out to, is using, and it is a very common behavior and is afraid to come clean for a variety of reasons. been there and that ends up being a very dark, dank and lonely place. had i used that night is New Jersey, when it was in the same room with me, i would have trod that path as well, once again, pretending i was something i was not, a recovering addict with clean time. what i get out of writing about this, is that i can let go, allow the feeling to pass, and not take it as a personal affront, after all how many people did i ignore, who reached out to me, because they saw through the charade i was trying to portray. the concern i feel is a natural extension of the growth i have experienced through this set of steps. i can say that feelings suck, and swallow the fear and anger, or i can acknowledge them, continue my efforts to reach out and leave the results up to the POWER that fuels my recovery, after all, i need not use, because i hear crickets.

∞ DT ∞