Some memes

in life and in service improves when i am spiritually in tune. as i sat and listened to the void, what kept coming up was how unbalanced i have been in my work life, especially when i peek at my physical, spiritual and emotional balances. those are all well within normal limits, but work,well that is way off the mark and my conscience is screaming at me to stop fucking off and give my employer their due. i keep saying that and yet i keep obsessing on Twitter, playing my computer game or reading some classic science fiction, when i need to be getting a problem solved for work. insanity in its finest, deflecting my “bad” feelings of guilt, by diving down a rabbit hole of distraction. to matter how i slice and dice that revelation with excuses, justifications and rationalizations, nothing assuages my guilt and i find myself using this as a huge hammer to pound home the fact that i am not a “good” person.
the steps i need to take to break this cycle are spiritual in nature and part of it boiled down to whether or not i truly have the desire to be restored to sanity. i certainly “think” that i have that desire, at least in the other three parts of my life that i mentioned at the top of this exercise. the question remains, however, what about work? i really have no attachment to what i do, as cable TV is a dying behemoth of corruption and ancient technology. i like what i do, in fact the challenges of my current project are exciting, so that is not the problem. the issue is that i have no stake in who i work for and as that grinds on me every day, i cannot separate that from the fact that i like getting a paycheck, even when i am under-performing. the rub for me, is i am not living up to the principles i espouse and the toll of not doing so, is weighing me down.
where does that leave me? well, it certainly suggests that i am being hammered by STEP TWO and that i need to let go of who pays my bills and focus on what i am doing. perhaps i might even start to believe that maybe, just maybe, those folks who use the products my company offers, have a bit better life because of it. what i do, helps those who support their customers to provide a better experience for those who are paying the bills. maybe it is better for me to shut off the judgement machine and move back into giving my employer all they are entitled to get for me, just for today. it is after all, better for me to live in harmony with those i serve, rather than play the discordant note and march out of step.

∞ DT ∞