Blog entry for:

i use the POWER behind that word, to maintain my freedom from addiction and to ensure my ongoing recovery. good morning all. okay i am now pretty sure that i am not going to dry up and float away on a wind of spiritual mysticism. i am also pretty sure, that **doubting thomas** will still be a part of the make-up as i progress through to the end of the fVcking growth experience, i am currently embarked upon. in fact, even though i am afraid what the plans of the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN, is for me, in the near and far future, i know that if i can let go of my FEAR, and allow the process to complete, i will be okay.
so that brings me back to the reading this morning -- how i speak and think about that POWER. i was and can be, one of those who feel uncomfortable using the word GOD in my shares, in my conversations, and in my writing. i know that discomfort comes from the years on my knees in front of an altar, in a church where my attendance was compulsory and not voluntary. so sometimes, i feel all those old feelings come back and rebel, like some petulant little boy - WAH WAH WAH! sometimes it feels that the person i am engaged in an exchange of ideas with, is trying to convert me to their point of view, about how they understand GOD and the work GOD does in this world, and much to their chagrin, i react strongly to having their ideas crammed down my throat. so how is my writing this any different from that? well for one, reading this blog, is voluntary on your part, and if you do not like what is here, you can always surf away and i will never know that you were even here. there is absolutely no self-esteem attached to whether or not you read this or not, as this is an exercise for me.
back to the topic -- spiritual change and the FORCE that guides me through this life. it amazes me how long it has taken me to finally arrive at this particular threshold. a place where rationality and spirituality are finally going to merge into a single manner of looking at life around me. accepting definitions from others, while not my favorite activity, has been part of my recovery to date. my first concept of a HIGHER POWER of any sort, came from my first sponsor, and has lingered until the completion of this Eleventh Step. it is true, that i would have told you that definition was long abandoned, but as i look over the past few weeks, i see that is where part of the struggle is, my internal battle to reconcile what i feel is TRUE with what i think is TRUE. the one thing that is certain, is that what i am feeling will eventually win out, as it always does, so why does it take me so long to surrender to that feeling? and the answer is-- who knows, that is just the way it is, for this addict anyhow.
so it is off to trot around the neighborhood and my task today is to allow what i am feeling to become part of my reality and stop resisting the change within, after all the preponderance of the evidence suggests that i will be better off as a result of the process.

∞ DT ∞